Pride and Ego
by LoriEchelon
Summary: Four years after BTR has broken up Kendall is a hockey star about to play the biggest game of his life and James is a pop star who hasn't talked to his best friend since the band broke up. When they're thrown back into each other's lives they have to choose between finally being together and overcoming their fears or going their separate ways once and for all.
1. Chapter 1

Looking back on his life, Kendall Knight had but one regret. And if he was being honest with himself, it was selfish of him to have any regrets at all. He'd lived a perfect life so far. He'd spent almost eight years being in a successful pop band with his three best friends, and when Big Time Rush had ended amicably four years ago, he'd had no complaints. Along with his three best friends he'd put out four extremely successful albums and even won four Grammy awards. He had no right to ask for anything more. Which was why he almost felt guilty that he was now living out his childhood dream and playing for one of the biggest teams in the NHL, mere seconds away from taking the ice in game seven of the Stanley Cup Playoffs.

Kendall knew he had no right to ask for anything more in his life. He had amazing friends, great family, a couple of Grammies and even an amazing girlfriend in his life. But a Stanley Cup was what was missing. He wanted it so bad he could taste it. And he couldn't help but feel that tonight was the night. Tonight was the night his final dream would come true, tonight was when he would finally taste the success he'd always craved. That Stanley Cup was his and his team mates, he knew it, he could feel it.

Kendall couldn't help but glance up in the stands, packed with screaming hockey fans, and find them slightly lacking, almost empty. Which was again, selfish, really. He could clearly see Logan, front and center, huge smile on his face, cheering on his friend, taking off a rare night from the hospital, his arm looped around his very pregnant wife, Camille. Logan had done well for himself, managing to complete college and start med school all the while touring and recording with Big Time Rush. He was now in his second year of residency for neurosurgery at the hospital. Next to them was Carlos, also with a grin adorning his face, excited for his friend and former bandmate, but every once in a while he glanced at his cellphone, making sure he wasn't getting paged into the firehouse where he was a superhero in his own rights, running into burning buildings to save others when everyone else was running out. Kendall certainly couldn't begrudge two of his best friends from the happiness they deserved, and he loved that they'd reached their dreams. But the seat next to them was sorely empty.

Kendall couldn't help but wish James was where he belonged, darkening the seat next to Carlos, cheering him on as the other two were. Not that he was surprised that James wasn't there. They'd all achieved their respective dreams after Big Time Rush had ended, James included. He had taken fame to a whole new level after the boy band broke up, quickly rising to become one of the biggest pop stars and actors Hollywood had ever seen. Kendall could barely click on his TV or radio without hearing or seeing James Diamond. Not that he minded.

In fact, there were numerous nights Kendall could recall spent in an otherwise lonely hotel room where he'd slowly allowed himself to imagine what could have been as he watched his former best friend on the screen of his television.

With a harsh sigh, Kendall skated away from the area where James was missing, once again pasting on a smile and pretending he didn't miss the pretty boy's presence, acting as if he wasn't torn up inside that they'd never stayed in contact after Kendall had almost confessed his feelings that fateful night so many moons ago after the final BTR concert.

_The curtain had closed, leaving the four best friends with arms draped over each other and sad smiles, knowing this was the last time they would be together as Big Time Rush._

_James was the first to pull away from the others, he was the one the break up was most affecting. He didn't resent that his friends were ready to move on with their lives, to chase after their own dreams. But this was his dream, and James knew it was about to get a lot more lonely. "Good show," he commented, not giving way to his true thoughts or feelings, but catching Kendall's gaze in a smile, giving him a wink. "We made a good team, huh?" He asked into the night, his question rhetorical, not expecting an answer as he turned from his bandmates to grab a bottle of water, drinking it down with the sorrow that weighed heavily on his chest knowing they'd just reached the end of an era._

_The boys all made small talk until it winded down to just James and Kendall, sitting on the stage, hours after the end of their last show, legs dangling off the edge as they both smiled ruefully, memories coursing through them._

"_James," Kendall began, wondering if he was really doing this. If he had finally worked up the nerve to tell his best friend how he truly felt. He knew this was his last chance. After tonight they were all going different ways. Who knew when they would all be together again? Who knew when Kendall would lay eyes upon James again? It was now or never._

_James gave a lazy smile at the sound of his name and turned his head to his best friend. He could sense the change in atmosphere but he didn't want to read too much into it. Standing by Kendall all the years while he'd devoted himself to Jo had done a number on James' heart, so he flashed his friend one of his 'devil may care' grins and pretended he wasn't in love with him._

"_I-" Kendall faltered. What he wanted to say was 'I love you', but he found he couldn't choke out the words. He couldn't stand the pain of hearing James respond that he loved him too, just not in that way. "I'm gonna miss being in a band with you," He finally said, nudging James shoulder with his own, unaware that he broke not only his own heart with those words but James' as well._

Kendall was forced out of his own memories by the announcer's slightly annoying voice. "And now to sing the national anthem, Grammy and Academy Award winning musician and actor, James Diamond!" Kendall's head snapped up. It couldn't be. Surely someone would have informed him, would have warned him. But unless his eyes deceived him, that was the James he used to know so well, walking onto the middle of the ice, shooting the crowd one of his patented heart breaking grins before taking the microphone and opening his mouth, singing in the voice that Kendall remembered oh so well, "Oh say can you see…"

Try as he might, Kendall couldn't tear his eyes away from his former best friend. He looked more beautiful than Kendall remembered, age certainly suited him well. His brunette hair was now cropped close, but his hazel eyes still shone out from his face and he still seemed to have the same body that had played on repeat in so many of Kendall's fantasies. He was dressed simply in a pair of dark jeans and a black wife-beater, and Kendall immediately felt his heart rate speed up as he watched his former crush croon into the microphone.

Eventually, as was inevitable, James' hazel orbs sought out Kendall's green ones, locking on to them as he sang out the end of the national anthem, unknowingly seducing the younger man with his looks.

On the outside, James had everything he'd ever wanted, everything he'd ever dreamed of. But when he went to sleep at nights, whether it be in an unfamiliar hotel room, his own bed or some random Hollywood actress', James life was lacking in the one thing he wanted most. Kendall Knight was nowhere to be found. Kendall wasn't lying in bed next to him, as James felt he should be. James' arms closed around nothing more than air when he wanted only for the blonde hockey star to be lying in them.

Pushing the thoughts aside, James finished the song, belting out the last notes as he knew was expected of him. "And the home of the brave." James stepped away from the microphone, easily able to ignore the sounds of the screaming teens and twenty somethings in the audience since they certainly didn't overpower the hockey fans, and with a smile and a wave, he made his way off stage, quickly ducking into the Penguins changing room and making haste towards the exit, eager to join Carlos and Logan in the stands, wanting nothing more than to see his longtime friend win the trophy that James knew was rightfully his.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Sorry for the first part of this chapter, I think the hockey nerd/Penguins fan in me took over a bit with the fantasy aspect of a made up Stanley Cup game._

_Also, I feel I should note, that while all hockey players mentioned for the Penguins are real and on the current 2013 roster, the players, coach and owner for the Wild that will be mentioned in either this chapter or the next are completely made up. My reasoning was because I painted the Penguins in a favorable light while the ones I mention for the Wild will not be quite as favorable, and I don't think it's fair to make people I know nothing about come across how they will in this story. However, I make no claims that this is the actual characterization and attitude for anyone real who I write about. For all I know Crosby and Malkin are closet bigoted assholes. But I certainly hope they aren't…_

_And there's a good chance this will end up being more of five shot...slightly longer than originally planned…hope that's okay!_

* * *

"Am I the only one confused as which team to root for?" Carlos questioned during the third period.

"Yes," James and Logan chorused without hesitation.

"Aw, c'mon guys. We grew up rooting for The Wild. I feel like now that they're playing for the Cup we should be cheering for them."

"And we would be. But Kendall plays for The Penguins now, and so we want his team to win," Logan pointed out, stifling a yawn.

James shook his head and ignored the conversation, eyes glued to the player with the number 83 on his jersey who was skating around the other players with ease, keeping control of the puck as he passed it back and forth with his team captain, number 87, Sidney "Sid the Kid" Crosby. There were only fifteen seconds left on the clock and both teams were tied at 2 goals each. Crosby had scored the first goal of the night, early in the first period, The Wild had managed two goals in the second period, and Kendall had scored the Penguins second goal halfway through the third period. As exciting as sudden death overtime could be in an NHL game, James wanted them to score before the clock ran out and win this thing now.

This was the first game of the series James was able to attend, and for that reason alone he was glad that it hadn't been a shutout with the Penguins winning the first three games. He'd thought that would be the case at first, as they easily won the first two games, but then they lost the third and fourth, only to come back and win the fifth before The Wild had taken back over, and won a hard one with only one goal scored in the sixth game.

And that brought them to today. The seventh and final game in the 2021 Stanley Cup Finals. There was a lot of anticipation and excitement in the sports world surrounding this series and this game, mainly due to the controversy that it was a well-known fact that Kendall Knight had grown up in Minnesota, rooting for The Wild and dreaming of playing for them. And in fact he had played for them, for two years. This year marked his third year as a professional hockey player, and after two exhilarating seasons of playing with the Wild he'd been abruptly traded to the Pittsburgh Penguins towards the end of the season last year, with The Wild stating that they simply couldn't afford his salary and felt he'd be a better fit elsewhere. Kendall knew the reason was bullshit, and James suspected it, since he knew his childhood friend well enough to know he'd have paid to play for his dream team. What James didn't know was that the reason Kendall had been traded was due to the circling rumors that he was gay, despite him having been with Jo for going on elven years now.

So the fact that his very first year not playing for The Wild he was not only in the finals, but playing against his very recent ex-team was great for the publicity and buildup of the games that year. It didn't hurt that the cameras got plenty of close-up footage of Kendall's face, fierce determination to bring his former team to their knees written all over it for the entire length of all the games.

It didn't escape the announcers or fans that Kendall Knight had never played harder than he'd played tonight, had never been more focused, more on fire, as he and Crosby swiftly and seamlessly made their way towards the goal at the other end of the ice. Kendall risked a look towards the clock as they neared their target, and saw they had five seconds left to bring this to an end. To win their team the trophy, and once again remind the nation why Pittsburgh was widely known as the City of Champions. Kendall dodged one of his prior teammates, and locked eyes with Crosby who currently possessed the puck. Crosby winked at his new teammate and mouthed '_You got this,_' before passing the puck to Kendall one last time. And Kendall did have it. He knew this without a doubt. Growing up he dreamed of this moment, playing in the Stanley Cup Finals, seconds left on the clock in the seventh game and himself in possession of the puck. What he hadn't dreamed was the lack of stress he currently felt. He had always figured if this moment ever came to be he would be a bundle of nerves, scared of making a wrong move, of missing the goal and letting his teammates down. But somehow, even without his captain's encouragement, Kendall felt nothing but a surge of confidence. Making the familiar motions with his arms, Kendall steeled himself to take the most important shot of his life, and as his stick made contact with the puck one final time, sending it flying towards a goalie who had no hope of stopping it, Kendall didn't even watch it. His eyes strayed away from the ice, away from puck, away from the goal, and searched out another pair of eyes that belonged to a beautiful man standing in the stands, on his feet cheering with the rest of the arena.

When it was all said and done, when the buzzer sounded and the crowd erupted and Kendall's teammates skated towards him enveloping him in a victory group embrace, Kendall's eyes stayed locked on James' and he knew the real reason he had played the best game of his life that night. Most thought it was pent up anger at his old team, a need to show them how big of mistake they made in trading him, and yeah, maybe that factored into it. But deep down, Kendall knew the only reason he'd played so well that night had been to show off for the man that even after four years of no contact between them he was still hopelessly in love with.

* * *

Mere moments after securing the win for his team, after a quick and exhilarating celebration on the ice with his teammates, and shortly after performing the standard ritual of skating down the ice, clapping his old team on the back and receiving false congratulations while uttering his own sentiments of 'good game', Kendall found an ESPN mic shoved in his face, asking how it felt to be a Stanley Cup Champion so soon into his professional hockey career and during his first year as a Penguin.

"It feels like all my dreams are coming true," Kendall answered easily, with a huge smile, flashing his teeth for the camera in his face. _All except one_, he thought to himself, eyes once again seeking out a certain pop star in the stands, who was watching his every move and giving him a thumbs up from across the way.

Kendall flashed a smile back at James, heart skipping a beat, and giving his own thumbs up. Distractedly, he answered a couple more routine questions from the sports reporter before skating off and allowing his teammate Evangi Malkin to swoop him up into an excited grip, yelling in his ear about the amazing play.

Kendall laughed back a thanks, commenting that it was a team effort as Crosby skated up to join the pair, grabbing Kendall away and pointing him towards the area where Gary Bettman, the commissioner of the NHL stood, speaking into a microphone, standing leisurely next to the Conn Smythe trophy, which was awarded annually to the player judged most valuable to his team during the Stanley Cup playoffs.

"The winner of the Conn Smythe Trophy, as the most valuable player in the playoffs," Bettman began in his slightly irritating voice. "Is Kendall Knight!"

Kendall felt his jaw go slack at this revelation, and he turned toward Crosby and Malkin, not quite comprehending. Crosby just laughed in response, shoving his younger teammate forward again. "You earned it, man!" He yelled into the blonde's ear. Malkin hugged him again and Kendal skated towards the commissioner in a daze. Even in his most wild fantasies Kendall had never allowed himself to dream of winning the MVP for the playoffs. Once again, without conscious, Kendall found James in the crowd.

James stood in between Logan and Carlos now, as his former bandmates whooped their approval, hands raised above their heads, voices cheering loudly enough that Kendall was certain he could make them out over all the other screaming fans.

As their eyes connected yet again, Kendall saw James bring his hands down, cupping them around his mouth, forming the phrase "Yeah, Kenny!", before raising his right hand back into the air in a fist, obvious elation for his friend written all over his face.

Kendall arrived at the table where Bettman stood, the Conn Smythe trophy sitting atop the red velvet in all it's glory, and he reached out a hand, shaking his with the commissioners, a stupid grin on his face that just wouldn't leave. He graciously accepted the congratulations from the older man, who then presented him with the trophy, which Kendall took, raising above his head as he glided back over the ice towards his team, who all welcomed him with open arms before the group turned back towards the front where an announcers voice said over the loudspeaker, "Ladies and gentleman, The Stanley Cup!"

Two men in suits and white gloves walked out onto the ice, following the red carpet and carrying the coveted trophy between them, setting it down carefully on the table that moments before had held the trophy Kendall now possessed.

Gary Bettman spouted off a bunch of facts and stats from the Penguins season that had led to this win before wrapping up his quick speech by saying, "Sidney Crosby, you have the honor of hoisting the Stanley Cup!"

Kendall watched in a mixture of admiration, satisfaction and pride as his team captain skated forward, performing the same ritual with the commissioner as he himself had just minutes before, shaking hands, posing for a quick photo op and then taking the trophy, holding it above his head with victory and letting free an excited, "Woooo!" He passed the trophy along, all the players taking a turn in holding it up and skating around while yelling with happiness, some of them even kissing it while other were content just to touch it and feel the weight in their arms.

The next few hours passed in a blur for Kendall, as he gave out endless interviews on the ice before finally heading to the locker room with his teammates where the celebratory acts and general excitement continued as they all changed into street clothes, making various plans to go celebrate together or alone with their families. Kendall wrapped up his final interview in the locker room, before following Crosby, the only other remaining Penguin still in there out and into the now fairly empty arena. Tiredly he threw his arm around the other as they headed towards the exit, Kendall shrugging off an offer to go celebrate at a local bar in hopes that his friends had stuck around.

They went their separate ways as the entered the warm air of night, and Kendall looked anxiously around for his friends, starting to think he'd taken too long to get out when he realized he was alone. Sighing and giving a few straggling, beyond drunk fans a wave, Kendall turned towards the parking garage where his rental car was.

"Hey stranger," An all too familiar voice spoke from the darkness, causing Kendall to whirl around, desperately scanning the night for it's owner.

Kendall couldn't have stopped the beam that overtook his face if he wanted to as he finally found James, relaxing on bench, legs crossed at the ankles and hands clasped behind his head, a smirk on his face that was so arousing to Kendall it should have been illegal.

Languidly, James rose from his position, stalking towards the shorter male with a hungry look on his face. "So tell me superstar," He began in a dangerously low voice as he neared Kendall, not stopping until the two were barely an inch apart and placing his own face so close to Kendall's that the blonde was surprised his knees didn't buckle and give out beneath him. The brunette inclined his head, which was now barely more than a centimeter from Kendall's, and as he spoke his warm breath ghosted over Kendall's face, and all the younger male could concentrate on were a tongue wetting inviting lips and the scent of Big Red. "How's it feel to know all your dreams have come true?"

Kendall stumbled back a step, needing space, needing to think because otherwise he was likely to jump James right then and there. "They haven't all come true," He admitted in a nothing more than a whisper without really meaning to.

"Oh?" James asked, a smile playing at those damn lips that Kendall had spent so much of his youth dreaming about. "What's left?"

At that moment, Kendall's brain shut off. Without thinking he gave into the temptation he'd held since middle school as he closed the space he'd created between him and the pop star. "You," He breathed out, before launching himself forward and pressing his lips to James' in a heated moment of passion.


	3. Chapter 3

James easily hid his surprise as Kendall surged forward and pressed their mouths together, and after a brief instant of hesitation in which he tried to convince himself that this was real, that this was actually happening, he gave in to the feeling and reacted with pure animalistic instinct, years of want and need overtaking his actions as he snaked a hand behind Kendall's head, fisting his fingers in the blonde locks and pulling the other male even closer to him, groaning as he deepened the kiss.

When Kendall made no move to pull away, and instead moaned into James' mouth, the singer took that as a cue to go forward, and he placed his free hand on the small of Kendall's back, slowly allowing it to drift downwards until he was hovering above the top of Kendall's jeans. Forcefully, he pulled the younger male into him, grinding their hips together, neither of them caring that they were standing in the middle of the street where anyone could see.

James deliberately walked Kendall forward until he had him pressed against the stone wall of the parking garage, continuing to rotate his pelvis into the other man's the entire time, smirking into Kendall's mouth as the hockey player whined into his own with want and need.

"God, James," Kendall whimpered, relishing in the dominance the taller man was asserting over him as he pinned him against the wall, grasping Kendall's wrists in his hands and pulling them up, leaving Kendall a helpless jumble before him. "Need more," Kendall gasped into James' mouth.

"Where are you staying?" James asked Kendall, pulling back slightly.

"Hyatt. Ten miles away," Kendall answered breathlessly, cursing how far away that sounded and already missing the feeling of James' lips.

"I'm closer. Hilton. Across the street," James gasped out, before shoving his mouth back onto Kendall's, nibbling his bottom lip and switching his hands so that he had Kendall's wrists grasped together with just one of his hands, lowering his newly freed one towards Kendall's crotch, and groaning as he felt the hardness of the other's erection under his palm.

"Fuck," James panted, pulling away abruptly. "C'mon," He commanded, turning on his heel and yanking the younger male behind him as he hurried across the street, already digging his key card out of his pants' pocket.

He hauled Kendall behind him through the sliding glass doors of his hotel and jammed the button at the elevators, impatiently waiting for the doors to open. When they slid apart with a ding James shoved Kendall ahead of him into the empty space and pressed the number for his floor, barely waiting until the doors closed back behind them before he had the blonde shoved into the corner of the elevator, biting at Kendall's neck and palming him through his pants again.

"So fuckin' hard for me," James commented in a satisfied tone. Kendall merely hummed in agreement, tossing his head back and stretching his neck out to give James' better access.

The doors to the elevator dinged again, signaling that they had reached James' floor, and he pulled away from Kendall who gave a sound of protest. James just offered up another smirk, and again hauled Kendall behind him and down the hall, stopping briefly at the door to his room and swiping the key card. The green light flickered and James shoved the door open, gripping Kendall's wrist in his hand again and thrusting the blonde into the room ahead of him, wrenching the _Do Not Disturb_ sign from the inside handle and moving it into the keycard slot on the outside before allowing the door to click into place behind them, leaving both men in a place they'd fantasized about for ages. An empty hotel room, an awaiting bed, and the other man in front of them ready, willing and able.

Kendall was slumped against the wall right inside the door where James had pushed him, looking more beautiful in the moonlight that shone through the blinds than James had ever seen him. But the look on his face was in complete contrast to the beauty, it was pure need, hooded eyes drilling into James, mouth panting slightly, close to begging. It was quite possibly the most erotic sight James had ever laid eyes upon.

"James," Kendall rasped, and that was all the confirmation the brunette needed.

"Fuck, Kendall. Gonna fuck you so hard, gonna turn you into a little whore for me" James promised, again getting rough with the hockey player and pushing him towards the bed, clever fingers undoing the button and zipper on Kendall's jeans in the process while also managing to rip the shirt off his smaller frame, so that by the time he had Kendall lying against his pillows he also had him stripped down to nothing but a pair of tight fitting boxer briefs that left little to the imagination.

"Gorgeous," James whispered before devouring Kendall again, pressing a knee forward until Kendall's thighs parted.

"Too many clothes," Kendall gasped, fingers knotting at the bottom of James' shirt and attempting to take it off the other man.

James gave a dark chuckle and assisted Kendall in ridding himself of his t-shirt, hands hovering at his jeans when the sound of Kendall's phone ringing a shrill tone broke the air, causing both men to startle.

"Not important," Kendall moaned. "Ignore it."

James was set to do just that, and went to throw Kendall's phone off the bed and to the floor when the Caller ID that lit up the screen caught his eye.

"_Jo_", the screen taunted him, accompanied by a picture of Kendall, the very man who was now a writhing mess beneath him, was standing behind the woman, hands placed on her hips and lips, those same lips that were breathing James names right then, pressed in a sweet kiss to her temple.

James pulled off a Kendall without warning and threw the younger man's phone at him. "You're still with Jo." It wasn't a question.

Kendall blinked below James, uncomprehending at first as he brought himself up into a half sitting position, weight resting on his elbows. "Huh?" He asked, still in a daze, not quite sure why James had stopped before the good part, and one hand reaching out towards the pop star, wanting to resume their activities.

James flinched away from Kendall's touch as if the other shot flames from his fingertips, sitting up completely and all but scurrying to the other side of the bed. Smearing his face with a hand he repeated, "You're still with Jo."

"Well, um, yeah, I guess, I mean," Kendall stuttered, wondering what his girlfriend had to do with any of this, wondering why James looked so absolutely heartbroken as a crestfallen expression overtook his handsome face.

Realizing his vulnerability James quickly wiped his face so it was void of any emotion and gave a sardonic laugh. "Of course you are," He commented wryly, trying to make light of a situation that was threatening to crush him on the inside.

"What the hell does Jo have to do with any of this?" Kendall asked, immediately regretting his words as he spied the rage simmering in James' hazel eyes.

"You're kidding me, right?" James scoffed. "Just…just get out," He muttered, resentment growing. "Just get dressed and get the fuck out!"

"James-", Kendall began.

"I mean it Kendall. You have exactly five seconds to get your clothes back on and get the hell out of my hotel room before I throw you out into the hall half naked!"

"Why are you so pissed at me?" Kendall asked. "You had to know I was still with Jo! It would have been all over the tabloids if we broke up!" He pointed out, growing frustrated.

James stood up then, and stalked towards the blonde, towering over his still seated form. "You really think I would have let it go this far if I knew you were still with her? Good to know what you think of me, Kendall. Believe it or not, I'm not a goddamn home wrecker. You kissed me, remember? So I'm fucking sorry if I assumed that meant you were free. Now get. The hell. Out," James hissed the last part, gripping the blonde up again, but this time hauling him off the bed and throwing him away from himself, tossing his clothes at him.

"Why do you even care if I'm still with Jo?" Kendall questioned as he shrugged into his shirt and stepped into his pants.

James only laughed in response, turning his back to the blonde and shoving a hand through his hair.

"Why, James? Huh? You owe me an answer!"

James whirled around on Kendall at that statement, eyes lacking in their previous anger, instead replaced with pain. "Because, Kendall! How are you so damned blind! Everyone but you saw it! Carlos knew! Logan knew! Kelly and Gustavo knew! Even your fuckin' mother and sister knew! I've been in love with you since the sixth grade! Do you know what it was like for me to watch you and Jo together the whole time we were in Big Time Rush? Why do you think I never bothered to stay in touch with you after the band ended? Because it was too fuckin' painful! I couldn't torture myself anymore, Kendall! And you'll have to pardon me if I'm not willing to be your replacement celebration slut tonight because Jo wasn't fucking' available!"

With the last bit, James reached around Kendall, and shoved open the door to his hotel room. He made sure Kendall was decent before he took his hand and pressed it against Kendall's chest, propelling the younger man out of his hotel room, and for all intents and purposes out of his life, into the empty hallway, allowing the door to slam shut between them, leaving James brokenhearted on the inside and Kendall brokenhearted on the outside.


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: So you can all pretty much thanks RockChickWrites for this chapter, seeing as how the main idea for this came from talking to her. But I'm kinda pleased with it and hope you enjoy it as well. I'm also considering making this a slightly longer story than even 5 chapters, as I feel I have the ideas and what not to plow ahead and some other areas I could explore if I feel anyone's interested in reading it. Nothing's set in stone, but let me know if you'd like more than just another chapter or two and I might be able to make something happen! Enjoy and please R&R if you feel so compelled!_

* * *

Kendall stood in the hallway outside of James' hotel room trying to wrap his head around what had just happened. One minute he and James had been going at it about to finally release years of pent up sexual frustration between them and the next the pop star was throwing him out into the hallway.

"Bipolar piece of shit," Kendall cursed at the closed door. Rubbing the back of his neck he headed back towards the elevator when he let out another curse realizing he'd left his phone in James' hotel room. There was no way he was going to embarrass himself by knocking on his door and asking for it, though, so he decided to just leave it.

* * *

James turned around and swung a fist at the wall behind him the second the door closed, letting loose a string of curse words and then immediately shaking his hand out which was already beginning to throb with pain due to ferocity with which he slammed it into the plaster. Yeah, he was definitely going to have to pay the hotel for damages.

He walked back over towards his bed, suddenly realizing there was no way he could sleep in it now, because all he could think about was Kendall spread out below him on it a few minutes ago, looking gorgeous and wanton and needy and _fuck!_ They'd been so close. James still couldn't believe Kendall hadn't bothered to mention he wasn't single, couldn't believe that he'd do that to Jo. James had always tried to dislike Jo based on principle, but he'd never been able to. She was never anything but sweet to him and James just couldn't bring himself not to like her. He hated that he saw what Kendall saw in her. And while Kendall apparently had no problem betraying Jo's trust, that just wasn't who James was. Sure he slept around, with both guys and girls to be truthful, but he never knowingly hooked up with someone in a relationship. That was the lowest of low in his book. Maybe Kendall wasn't who he'd thought he was after all if he'd been so willing to allow James to fuck him when he was still with Jo.

"Bastard," James muttered, his thoughts being interrupted by the shrill tone of a ringing phone. He automatically reached down, grabbing the phone off the ground and assuming it was his cell.

"What?" He growled into the line, having answered without looking at the caller ID.

"Um, hi. Who is this?" A female asked from the other end.

"You called my fuckin' phone," James pointed out, feeling less than compelled to mess around with niceties at this point.

"Um, no, I called Kendall's phone," the voice sounded confused and recognition dawned on James. His phone hadn't rung. Apparently Kendall had left his phone in the hotel room.

"Jo?" He asked in a tired voice.

"Yeah," She was quiet for a moment before placing a face to the voice. "James!" She exclaimed when it hit her. "How have you been?"

"Ask Kendall," James spit out, his grip on the phone tightening, turning his knuckles white. "And don't worry your precious boyfriend should be on his way home to you right now."

"Wait, what?" Jo asked, clearly confused. "Why do you even have Kendall's phone? I thought you two didn't talk anymore."

"I was asked to sing the National Anthem last minute for game 7. Stupidly I said yes. You should really find someone better Jo. Trust me, you're way too good for Kendall," James replied darkly, unable to keep the hurt and anger out of his voice.

"James, what are you talking about?"

"Ask Kendall when he gets home. Just be forewarned, your sweet little boyfriend isn't the innocent and nice guy he's apparently fooled you into thinking he is," James said, not giving Jo time to respond, and quickly hanging up the phone. He held it crushed in his tight grasp for a minute, seething and shaking with rage before he turned and wailed Kendall's phone against his hotel room wall, where it hit with a satisfying thud, falling to the floor with a shattered screen and leaving yet another dent in the apparently shitty plaster of the hotel room wall. Yup, definitely going to be shelling out for damages.

James shot another glare at his bed, comforter ruffled up from the prior activities sending unwanted memories and images into James' head and straight down as well. He made a snap decision, searching out his own phone and dialed his assistant, not really caring what time of night it was. When she answered James chirped a quick command of "Get me on the next flight out of here and back home, I'm leaving for the airport now."

His assistant, used to James swift decisions and harsh demands promised to make it happen and James hung up his phone, grabbing his duffel bag from the closet and hurriedly throwing all of his belongings into it.

He wanted out of here now, he wanted to put as much distance between himself and Kendall as he could and he wanted it done as fast as possible. If he never saw that asshole again it would be too soon.

* * *

Kendall trudged into his hotel room, glad that he'd only left his phone with James and not his rental car keys or his wallet, which possessed the keycard for his room. Flopping onto his bed he let out an exaggerated sigh of annoyance and grumbled to himself about James being a cock tease for the hundredth time. He jumped when the phone next to him rang, confused as to who was calling his hotel room this late at night.

"Yeah?" He mumbled into the phone, considering raiding the minibar, wondering if it held enough alcohol to get him sufficiently wasted.

"Hey, anything you wanna tell me?" Jo's voice trilled out down the line.

"No," Kendall grumbled.

"Wow for someone who just won a Stanley Cup and the MVP or whatever they call it in the NHL, I'd expect you to sound more excited."

"Yeah, well, certain people know how to kill a mood." Kendall decided the minibar was a great idea, and began rifling through it as he talked to Jo.

"Would that person be James?"

Kendall choked on the vodka he'd just swallowed. "What? How'd you know?" He sputtered.

"I called your cell and he must have thought it was his, 'cause he answered. Sounded pretty mad. And honestly? A little hurt, too. Anything you want to elaborate on?"

"He's the asshole in this situation. He was at the game, Jo. Sang the National Anthem and didn't even bother to call me ahead of time. Years of no contact and he just shows up at the biggest moment of my life like he fucking belongs there. Like we're still close. Then he corners me outside of the arena. We get back to his hotel room and out of nowhere he flips out and kicks me out of the room!"

"What happened to make him kick you out?" Jo questioned patiently, knowing there was more to the story.

"I don't know!" Kendall exploded. "One minute we were hot and heavy and then he sees you pop up on my caller ID and freaks out and next thing I know I'm standing in the hallway with a door being slammed on my face!"

"Kendall, you idiot!"

"What? What did I do?"

"He freaked out when I called, right?" Kendall gave a hum of agreement, still sounding annoyed, but Jo plowed on. "He probably thought you were cheating on me! He thinks we're an actual couple, Kendall. And good for him for having the decency not to sleep with someone he thinks is in a relationship."

Kendall scoffed. "Jo, c'mon, he knows you were just a scapegoat of sorts. Logan and Carlos knew," he argued.

"Yeah, Logan knew because I told Camille the truth and Carlos knew because Logan opened his big mouth. Kendall, honey, I really don't think James knows. Of course the poor guy lost it, he thought he finally had you and then to him it seemed like you were just playing him and using him to get your rocks off. James may have a tough guy exterior but we both know he's sensitive at heart. I told you this before and I'll tell you again. That man is hopelessly in love with you just like you are with him and it sounds like you just crushed him and broke his heart."

Kendall let Jo's words sink in. He'd always just assumed that James knew about the deal he and Jo had worked out since both Logan and Carlos knew. But now that he thought about it… "Shit!"

"Yeah, exactly," Jo replied, rolling her eyes even though Kendall couldn't see it. "I think it's high time we dropped this whole charade, Kendall. We've both been using each other as a crutch for far too long. We need to suck it up and tell the world who we really are. Because you know I love you like my own brother, and I can't stand the thought of knowing I'm what's standing between you and happiness. You could have it all with James, you really could. Trust me, Kendall, that boy is head over heels for you and always has been. I refuse to be the reason you deny yourself happiness. You need to just suck it up, throw the sports world a giant middle finger and admit you're gayer than Liberace."

"Hey!" Kendall protested weakly. He thought he covered up being gay rather well, thank you. Most certainly better than Liberace ever had.

"Oh, please, we both know it's true. If it helps I'm a bigger lesbian than Ellen DeGeneres and it's time for me to quit worrying about how it will affect my career as well and to come out. I deserve my chance at finding that someone, too, and I can't do it if everyone thinks I'm straight and devoted to my hockey playing boyfriend."

"You really think we're ready for this? For the repercussions, the backlash and the gossip this will bring?"

"Maybe, I don't know. Who even cares? All I do know is that if you let James walk away right now you'll never get him back and I know that will destroy both of you. I've already watched you suffer over losing him once, Kenny. I won't do it a second time, especially now that I'm positive it pains him just as much as it does you. Maybe the Wild didn't accept your alternate lifestyle, but the Penguins accepted you even with the rumor mill swirling, so I doubt they'll allow a little something like your sexuality to affe0ct your spot on the team. You and Sid pretty much single handedly won the Penguins the damned Stanley Cup, Kendall. They'd be stupid not to sign you on for a longer contract, and from what you've said, most of your teammates already suspect it anyways and couldn't seem to care less."

Kendall processed Jo's words, and didn't respond automatically, causing Jo to question "Kendall?" a moment later.

"I need to go," Kendall stated.

"I know. Now go get your man, sweetie."


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N Okay, so this little thing can either end after the next chapter or two, or continue on for a bit, as I do have some good ideas to continue it. So we'll see where it goes after next chapter I suppose? The song used is "Close Yet Far" by CKY, on of my favorites and I highly recommend you give it a listen. Enjoy and R&R if you feel so compelled!_

* * *

Kendall drove his sporty rental car through the streets at breakneck speed, swearing everytime a stop light forced him to brake before eventually screeching to a halt, sloppily parking in a spot outside of James' hotel. Shutting the engine off he jumped out of the car, making haste to the hotel and walking through the front doors, trying to remember what room number and floor James' was on. _Fuck._ He had no clue. He hadn't exactly been in the right frame of mind earlier when they headed up and he'd been too confused to pay attention on the way down.

With an annoyed sigh he turned to the front desk.

"Can I help you sir?"

"Yeah, I need to know what room James Diamond is staying in."

The hotel employee gave a tight lipped smile, pretended to type on his keyboard and then gave Kendall a false look of apology. "I'm sorry sir, no one by that name is staying at this hotel."

Kendall glared, knowing his game. Obviously James would check in under a fake name to avoid the fans hounding him and the entire staff was probably under instruction not to reveal his room number under any circumstances.

"Fine. What room is Floyd Page in?" Kendall asked stiffly, no doubt in his mind James still used his old alias to check in under at hotels. The man may be a pop star, but Kendall knew for a fact he was happiest listening to classic rock especially Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin, hence the moniker.

"I'm sorry, sir, I'm not at liberty to give out the information."

"Jesus!" Kendall exploded. "Do you even know who I am? Kendall Knight? My hockey team just won the goddamn Stanley Cup! I used to be in a band with James! Just tell me his fuckin' room number, or call his room and tell him to get his ass down here!"

Recognition finally lit up in the concierge eyes, and he gave Kendall another apologetic smile, but this one was genuine. "Ah, yes, Mr. Knight. I am sorry, but I still can't give you the information. Mr. Diamond checked out of the hotel just a few minutes before you arrived. He did, however, leave this and ask me to give it to you if you returned in search of it," The hotel employee handed Kendall his cell phone.

Kendall swore but took the phone. "Thanks," He mumbled, turning from the desk and hurrying back to his rental car.

Starting the car he headed in the direction of the airport, hastily hooking his phone into the Bluetooth. "Call Carlos," He commanded.

"Hey, Kendall!" Carlos answered after a couple rings. "Sorry I couldn't stick around I had night shift at the firehouse. Congratulations though, Buddy!"

"It's cool, 'Los, I understand. And thanks. Hey listen, where does James live these days?"

"Uhm, kind of all over, dude. He usually either on tour or on set filming, so it depends what city he needs to be in, why?"

"Yeah, I get that, but where's his house? Like, he has to have an actual home for when he has free time," Kendall pushed, not offering up an explanation.

"I think he kinda fluctuates between his high rise in NYC and his beach house in Malibu, man."

Kendall groaned. What was he supposed to do, fly to both cities on opposite ends of the country and wander the street yelling for James? "Well do you know which one he was headed back to tonight?" He pressed Carlos, needing a straight answer.

"Um, neither, man. He told Logan and I he planned on spending a couple days here before he left on tour next week. We were making plans to all hang out some before he left, we were hoping you could stick around for a few days too. So can you?"

"No. I can't. And James can't either, 'cause he checked out of his hotel room."

"What? Why? We had plans, dammit!"

"It's my fault, Carlos, don't get mad at James. We had a slight misunderstanding. I just need to know where he would go if he needed a break."

"I'm not really sure, to be honest Kendall. You aren't the only one who lost touch with James these past few years. He kinda shut in on himself pretty good, Logan and I rarely hear from either. But you know what, call Logan. He may have more insight as to where James would go. He's always been the more intuitive one out of our group."

"True," Kendall agreed. "All right, I'll call Logan. Thanks, Carlos."

"Yup. Hey, you know if you need to talk to someone I'm still here, right?"

"I know, 'Los. And I appreciate that. But right now I just need to find James." Kendall ended the call with Carlos and then told his phone to call Logan.

"Mmm?" A rough voice answered the phone right before it kicked into voicemail, and Kendall knew Logan had been sleeping. He almost felt bad since he knew how hard his friend was working at the hospital. But this was important, and Kendall had no doubt in his mind that Logan and Carlos both would do whatever it took to finally get James and Kendall together.

"Listen Logan, I'm really sorry for waking you, and I don't have time to explain the situation at all I just need you to tell me one thing and you can back to sleep," Kendall said in a rush as he pulled into the airport, hoping it wasn't just wishful thinking as he turned towards the long term parking section.

"Kendall?" Logan question blearily, barely awake.

"Yeah. Sorry man."

"No it's fine," Logan sat up a little straighter in his bed, shushing Camille who turned fitfully and rubbing her back in a soothing manner as she drifted back to sleep. "What's up, what do you need?"

"If James was upset, like heartbroken type of upset, where would he go?" Kendall shut off the engine and hopped out of his car, making sure he had his wallet and yanking his phone free from the charger and disconnecting the wireless, placing it to his ear, jogging towards the doors to the airport.

Logan sat completely straight up at this. "Shit, Kendall, what did you do to him?"

"Nothing on purpose!" Kendall defended himself, keeping up his steady pace as he arrived at the airport, hurriedly going through the sliding glass doors and making his way towards the ticket counter. "I need to know now, Logan! Please!"

"Think about it Kendall. You know James, where did he always used to head when life got to be too much for him and he needed an escape?"

Kendall breathed, knowing exactly where he needed to go. "Thanks Logan. I'll explain later, promise," He didn't give the doctor a chance to respond and instead just hung up, shoving his phone in his jeans as he arrived at the ticket counter and the lady behind asked how she could help him.

* * *

James settled back into his seat, snapping his seatbelt into place and anxiously awaiting for the plane to take off. He was beyond ready to get out of this city, and beyond ready to put these memories behind him and never, ever revisit them again. He just needed the damn plane to take off and get him away from this hell hole, which it thankfully did just a few short minutes later.

James finally breathed a sigh of relief as the plane propelled forward down the runway, taking him away from somewhere he swore he'd never revisit. No more tours in this city, and if Logan and Carlos wanted to get together they could make plans outside of St. Paul. He was beyond done with Minnesota and it's temporary residents. James also planned to make sure there would be no more stops in Pittsburgh or filming there either, not as long as Kendall played for the Penguins, at least.

* * *

"I need a ticket to the next flight going into LAX," Kendall told the young woman in a clipped voice.

"Sure thing!" She grinned back, typing on her keyboard the smile never leaving her face. "It looks like the next flight leaves in an hour and forty five minutes from now. Unfortunately you just missed a flight that took off about two minutes ago. There's only first class tickets left though for this flight. Are you still interested?"

"Yes," Kendall shoved his credit card at her, but cursed inwardly, wondering if James had made the fight that just took off. If so he'd be two hours behind him and a lot harder to find once he arrived back in California.

After a few minutes the lady handed him back his credit card and a ticket, asking if he had any baggage to claim.

Nope. All Kendall had on him were the clothes on his back, his wallet, his cellphone and the keys to the rental. He gave a brief shake of his head, took his credit card and boarding pass and walked away from the counter, fidgeting the whole time he was in line at security, probably making himself look suspicious.

He finally made it through and walked swiftly towards the gate, praying he'd see James in the waiting area, but he wasn't surprised when he didn't. Let down, sure, but he'd been expecting it. That was fine. He'd waited on James for years, he could handle a few more hours. He'd gladly chase that man to the ends of the earth.

However, and he hated to do this to Logan, but he had no idea where the hell in Malibu he was going once he arrived in LA. He typed up a quick text to Logan.

_Do you have James' address to his beach house?_

_Yeah. _The response was almost immediate, and a second later an address came through.

_Thanks. I'll explain later, promise. Sorry for waking you._

Again, his phone lit up with an incoming text message barely after he'd sent his.

_I'm holding you to that. But for now, just go get James. It's about time the two of you got together._

Kendall gave a wry grin as he read Logan's text, but didn't respond. We're they really that obvious? Apparently.

* * *

It felt like years, but really it was only a few short hours later when Kendall felt the plane begin to descend in Los Angeles, with the pilot telling everyone to buckle up and giving the current weather conditions. Kendall jiggled his knee, unable to hold still as the plane landed and he waited that obnoxious amount of time before arriving and actually being able to get off the damned plane.

He jumped up when they came to a stop, standing in the aisle and fidgeting as he waited to be allowed off, which of course took for-fucking-ever.

When he was finally off the plane, Kendall practically ran through the airport, stopping briefly at the Enterprise to secure a car, glad the place was open twenty four hours since it was still ridiculously early in the morning.

He pulled up the navigation on his phone as he walked through the airport, typing in the address Logan had given him. 42 miles away. He just needed to make it 42 miles.

* * *

James sat on the patio of his beach house, staring out at the ocean and strumming absently on his guitar, still cursing Kendall's name to the wind. His fingers slowly began to play the opening chords to a song he'd never had the guts to put forward to his label, knowing it would be rejected in a heartbeat. He wasn't a serious musician in their eyes, and he never kidded himself about that. He was a pop star, meant to perform bubblegum catchy tunes about absolutely nothing of importance. Hell, outside of people he'd grown up with no one even knew he could play the guitar. Or the piano or drums for that matter, but he did, and he excelled at all of them. His musical talent went far beyond what his label and Hollywood assumed, but James never made any move to correct them, allowing himself to be marketed as the pretty boy of pop, never admitting there was more to himself than that. No one would believe him anyways. As long as he swiveled his hips in such a way that teenage girls were begging their parents for money to buy his albums nothing else mattered. He certainly didn't matter in this equation, only his looks and ability to reach those high notes and make massive amounts of money for his label mattered.

But James had an arsenal of music built up, songs he'd written and composed entirely by himself that strayed quite a bit from that image. And when he felt lost and alone, that was what he turned to. The music he created by himself, the music he'd never shared with anyone. A side of James Diamond that he was too terrified to ever reveal to the world, so he kept it locked tight away, only allowing himself to play this music when he was alone.

Opening chords done, James opened his mouth and began to softly sing into the wind, assuming his words were being carried out into the ocean, unaware he had an audience of one listening in.

_Who said that I wasn't right?_

_I've lived for years without a life_

_Don't have a soul on my side_

_Still ridiculed despite how hard that I have tried_

_Don't take me under your wing_

_I don't need a hand, don't need anything_

_I've got a roof over my head_

_As if I'd rather be alone with me instead_

_Close yet far_

_Drop me a line and tell me how the hell you are_

_And I'll tip my hat to those who can't believe it's me_

_Though I never never never ever wanted this to be_

_I can hear the sounds of the city_

_Sunrise and set are the same to me_

_A hesitating pulse is good company_

_And my reflection offers no apology_

_But who said that I wasn't right?_

_And I've lived for years without a life_

_Don't have a soul on my side_

_Still ridiculed despite how hard that I have tried_

_Close yet far_

_Drop me a line and tell me how the hell you are_

_And I'll tip my hat to those who can't believe it's me_

_Though I never never never ever wanted this to be_

_Close yet far_

_Drop me a line and tell me how the hell you are_

_And I'll think of the days when there was something to believe_

_Though I never never never ever wanted this to be_

* * *

Kendall stood mesmerized, listening to James' beautiful voice, wracked with emotion, sing out a song he'd never heard before. The lyrics cut through to his heart and he wondered if his old friend wasn't really quite as happy as he let on to the tabloids and media.

"James," he breathed without meaning to when the other male strummed the final chords of the song, bringing it to an end. "That was amazing."

James jerked, unaware up until that point that he had company and his guitar clattered to the ground as he jumped up in surprise. Slowly he turned around, allowing his eyes to meet Kendall's. Confusion and fear and even a trace of hope lurked in his eyes and he licked his lips nervously. "What are you doing here?" He finally whispered, wondering how much Kendall had heard, and what exactly he was doing here in the first place.


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Okay, so here we go! What could possibly be the conclusion to P&E! I do, however, have ideas to expand this story if I feel anyone wants to read more of this dribble drabble. Let me know either via reviews, PM or on my Tumblr (username is same as on here) if you want me to continue this!) And thanks for sticking with me, sorry this update took so long. Enjoy! Please R&R if you feel so compelled!_

* * *

Kendall pulled up in front of the address Logan had provided him and let out a low whittle. "Damn," He muttered, taking in the mansion in front of him. It was nothing less than what he would have expected of James, though. The house in front of him was extravagant, massive and absolutely breathtaking. Turning the key, Kendall shut off the ignition, trying his best to ignore his nerves and climbing out of the rental car slowly, hesitantly approaching the front door of the rather intimidating beachfront mansion that loomed up in front of him.

When he finally made his way up there, he rang the doorbell without success a few time before his ears perked up catching the sound of an acoustic guitar coming from behind the house. Biting his lip, Kendall shrugged and made his way towards the back, stepping around the bushes, eventually coming upon the back deck only to be rewarded with the sight of James, back to him, strumming lightly on a guitar, looking fresh out of the ocean. His hair was matted down with the saltwater that still dripped down his neck, leaving trails all down his bare back. He sang softly in a voice that sounded completely different than the auto-tuned, manufactured bullshit Kendall was used to hearing on the Top 40. He actually sounded like the James Kendall had grown up with, although unlike his younger self, his voice held a note of sadness that Kendall wanted to take away. When his old friend brought the song to a close, Kendall spoke without meaning to. "James. That was amazing."

James reacted as expected, guitar clattering to the deck below as he whirled around, facing Kendall. "What are you doing here?" He finally asked in a voice wrought with emotion, sounding so hopeful and yet so heartbroken at the same time.

Kendall shifted, suddenly feeling uncomfortable and gave a forced laugh. "How's the surf?" He asked, motioning towards James' abandoned surfboard.

James cocked his head, studying Kendall for a minute. "You didn't come for the waves," He finally stated in a flat voice.

Kendall started and then stopped. Started and stopped again. Then finally, "Jo and I were never real," He blurted out.

"Excuse me?"

"Jo and I. We were never a real thing. We figured out early on that we were both gay. But back then, that wouldn't have done a lot for our careers you know? So we've been using each other ever since. Pretending. Lying." Okay, so realistically Kendall had meant for that to come out a lot more sincere and heartfelt, not in a big rushed statement, but he hoped he had gotten his point across either way.

There was a fair amount of shock written on James' face as he searched for an answer. There was also some disbelief, which caused Kendall to jump in again. "I can call Jo. You can talk to her if you don't believe me."

James was still silent, studying Kendall, still looking hopeful and yet afraid at the same time, "Kendall," He began in a strained voice, only to have the other man pitch forward, grabbing his shoulders in his hands.

"There was only ever one person for me, James. Only one person I wanted," Kendall confessed in a hurried breath, searching James' eyes with his own before lurching forward the rest of the way and pressing their lips together. "I'm sorry if I ever made you feel any other way." He mumbled against James' lips.

James gave into the kiss momentarily before gathering his senses and pressing his palms flat against Kendall's chest, shoving him away. "Don't," He warned, still distrusting of the other man, fighting his conflicting emotions and giving a shake of his head.

"I'm not lying, James. Call Jo. Call Logan or Carlos even! They both knew. I always just assumed you did, too."

"Yeah, well you know what they say about assuming," James retorted. "This wouldn't work anyways, all right? We live in two different worlds now. I shouldn't have waited for you after the game. It's been four years, Kendall, and I'm still not fucking over you. I'm not going to make it worse on myself by losing you again when you were never mine to begin with."

"That's where you're wrong," Kendall argued quietly. "I was always yours, James. All you had to do was reach out and take me. And I'm standing here right now, so just fucking take me already!"

"Fuck, why can't I ever say no to you?" James growled, snaking his arms around the blonde's slim hips and pulling him towards him, crashing their lips together yet again.

"Take me," Kendall repeated, and this time James didn't hesitate, lowering his hands and cupping Kendall's ass, easily pulling the lighter man up, Kendall wrapping his legs around James' waist and neither of them breaking the kiss as James fumbled forward, blindly searching for the handle on the sliding glass door and impatiently yanking it open, stumbling over the doorstep into his house, not bothering to close the door behind him.

He moved one of his hands up, tugging Kendall's phone out of his back pocket and throwing it on the ground as he walked them towards the staircase. "This stupid thing isn't allowed in this time," He muttered and Kendall grinned into his mouth, tangling his hands in James hair and moaning, praying that James bedroom wasn't on the twelfth floor or something.

"Your bedroom better be close by," He repeated his thoughts out loud to James, pulling away to catch his breath.

"Third floor," James responded, glaring at his staircase, attempting to will his bedroom closer by sheer willpower.

"Fuck that," Kendall replied, squirming out of James' hold and shedding his t-shirt and jeans in the process before attacking James' mouth again, his fingers clumsily working the other's zipper as he licked at James' bottom lip.

"Need some help there?" James laughed, reaching down and undoing the button.

"Fuck you," Kendall responded, dropping to his knees, gliding the zipper down and pulling James' jeans off his hips, tucking his fingers in the waistband of the other man's boxer briefs.

"How about I fuck you instead?"

"Oh, God, please," Kendall murmured, shoving James' underwear down with an exasperated "Off!"

"Someone's eager."

"Wanna taste you," Kendall said, eagerly taking James in his hand and experimentally licking the tip, swelling with pride when James gave a groan of satisfaction.

"God _damn_," James thrust his hips forward as Kendall attempted to take all of him into his mouth at once. "Fuck, baby. Feels so good."

Kendall hummed around James' cock, the vibrations in his throat causing James to fist a hand into his blond locks and force himself the rest of the way down.

"Need to be in you. Now," James demanded, gripping Kendall's arms in his hands and pulling him up while turning him around at the same time, swiftly forcing the other male to bend over the steps and making quick work of ridding Kendall of his own boxer briefs.

Kneeling, James reached one hand around Kendall, lightly stroking his dick and thumbing the head while at the same time dipping his head and licking his balls backwards before gently probing Kendall's entrance with his tongue.

Kendall whimpered, wondering why he'd never allowed himself to do this with another man before. "Fuck, James" He whined again and he could swear he felt the other man smirk into his ass.

"Feels good, huh baby?" James asked, taking his free hand and placing it in front of Kendall's mouth. "Suck," he ordered, Kendall quickly complying and sucking James' digits into his mouth, coating them in his saliva. James brought his hand back around, slowly pushing one finger in. "Kendall?" He asked, feeling the tightness. "You've done this before, right?"

Kendall tensed up slightly, and hung his head, shaking it. James withdrew his finger. "Are you sure you want to do this then? We don't have to."

Kendall glanced over his shoulder meeting James' eyes. "I'm positive. I've never done this before because there was only one person I ever wanted to do this with," He admitted.

"Jesus Christ, that shouldn't turn me on as much as it does," James breathed, bringing his head forward and kissing Kendall's spine, allowing his fingers to wander back where they'd been, slowly working a second one into the mix before cursing. "The lube is upstairs," He answered Kendall's questioning gaze.

"We don't need lube," Kendall protested.

"Yes we do. Trust me, virgin," James grinned, standing up and hauling Kendall up alongside him giving him a light shove up the stairs in the direction of his bedroom.

Kendall pouted but walked up the steps anyway, allowing James to take the lead when they got to the third floor, following him into his room where James immediately pounced on him again, pushing him down in his bed and kissing his way up Kendall's body.

"So fucking beautiful," James commented, briefly breaking eye contact to search the lube out his bedside drawer.

"This, is your friend," He tossed the bottle towards Kendall, eyes dark with desire. "Wanna see you prepare yourself for me."

It wasn't a question but a command and Kendall readily obeyed, popping open the top and drizzling it onto his finger as James watched on, eyes lidded with lust.

Kendall licked his lips and threw the bottle to the side, suddenly feeling self-conscious as he reached his hand down, circling his hole and staring at James who couldn't tear his eyes away from the sight of Kendall preparing to open himself up for him and him alone.

"Fuck, you're killing me Kendall, just do it," James demanded and once again Kendall found himself giving into the older man's orders with ease, sliding a finger in and gasping at the sudden intrusion, letting out a low moan.

"More," James told him huskily, Kendall once again submitting and pressing in a second finger, eyes roaming James' face, desperately searching for approval.

"So sexy," James assured him, stretching an arm out and placing one of his own fingers next to Kendall's, gently sliding it in, opening Kendall up even more.

"Need you," Kendall gasped, bucking his hips up growing used to the feeling of being full.

"Patience," James cautioned, assisting Kendall further by easing in a second finger until both men had two finger each buried deep inside the blonde's ass.

"Fuck, Ken. You should see yourself right now. Such a little slut for me, aren't' you?"

"Mhmm," Kendall panted as James grabbed his wrist, slowly pulling both their fingers free, wiping his own on the sheets before grabbing the previously discarded lube and pouring a generous amount out into his own hand and slicking up his cock.

He gently opened Kendall's legs further, pushing them back ever and teasing Kendall's entrance with his dick as he raised himself above the other man.

Kissing Kendall's neck he whispered into his ear, "Tell me what you want, gorgeous."

"You, James. Please. Need you. Wanted this for so long. Dreamed about it. Spent so many nights fingering myself and pretending it was your cock," He admitted.

James gave a low growl, unable to contain himself any further and slipped his head in, exercising his patience and allowing Kendall to adjust.

"More," Kendall pleaded.

"You sure," James questioned with a smile, capturing Kendall's lips with his own.

"More," Kendall was the one tossing out demands this time, and James obeyed, slowly sliding in until he was buried to the hilt in Kendall's tight heat.

"So fuckin' tight," James sighed, not moving, simply relishing in the feel of finally having his cock completely submerged into the man of his dreams.

Kendall's eyes fluttered closed for a moment, his teeth clenched as he let out a low hiss, savoring the fine line of pain and pleasure he currently felt.

James stayed still, trailing kisses along Kendall's jaw, waiting for the okay to move as Kendall grew accustomed to the unfamiliar feeling of something so big inside of him.

It didn't take long for Kendall to begin fidgeting beneath him, begging for him to move, pleading for more, and James gave in easily, pulling out almost all the way before sliding back in, time and time again, slowly picking up speed. With one particularly well place hard thrust, James hit Kendall's prostate, causing the man below him to keen and arch his back, meeting his thrusts and moaning, "Again."

James surged forward again, holding his place this time when he hit the bundle of nerves. "Right there, baby?" He asked with a knowing smile. "That what you want?" He sucked on Kendall's neck, leaving a bruise, staking his claim on the blond below him.

"Yes, yes, Oh fuck, James, please. Move, touch me. Do something," Kendall was writhing beneath him, a complete and needy mess begging for all James had to give.

James continued at a steady pace, sliding in and out, but refused to touch him. "Want you to come from my cock alone. See what you've been missing," He told Kendall, hitting the spot the younger man craved repeatedly, causing Kendall to moan over and over again.

"James," He said his name like a curse, hissing between his teeth. "So close. Want you to cum in me."

James fastened his pace at those words. "You sure?" He questioned, hoping Kendall didn't change his mind, because he wasn't positive he couldn't stop now even if he wanted to, and he sure as hell didn't want to.

"Uh huh."

"Want me to cum deep inside you, fill you up like a whore?" James asked, his thrusts growing frenzied as he just barely held his release at the edge, wanting to feel Kendall come undone beneath him first.

"Oh fuck, yes, yes, yes! James please. Want to feel your cum in me, leaking out of me all night," Kendall moaned as his cock gave an involuntary twitch and he began to cum all over himself with a sob of pleasure.

And that was all it took for James to cum himself, spilling into Kendall with a grunt and a swear, nails digging into Kendall's shoulder and teeth ripping at his neck.

He stilled inside Kendall for a moment before dropping down, exhausted, collapsing on top of the blond and then rolling off to the side. "Jesus Christ, I need to start smoking," He quipped, causing Kendall to laugh and turn into his shoulder, curling up next to him.

James brought a tired arm around him, drawing him closer and placing a kiss on his temple. "I love you."

Kendall pulled back a little, propping himself up on his elbows and studying James. "You mean that?" he asked, almost afraid that it was just something James said in the after throes of passion.

James mimicked Kendall, raising himself up onto his elbows as well and giving him a lingering kiss, pulling away and looking straight into his eyes. "I love you," He repeated simply.

Kendall couldn't have stopped the huge grin that broke out on his face if he'd wanted to. "I love you, too," He beamed back, lowering his face and pressing his lips to the brunet's yet again. "I always have. I always will," He promised.


	7. Chapter 7

James found himself woken out of a deep sleep by the feeling of something warm and wet on his dick. He pried his eyes open and let out a lazy and satisfied smile at the vision that greeted him. Kendall, kneeling between his legs, licking up his shaft and making silent mews in the back of his throat.

"Can't get enough, huh baby?" James asked with a smirk, gripping the back of the blonde's head and pushing him farther down.

Kendall moaned around James' dick, causing the other male to drop his head back into the pillows and thrust his hips upwards, silently begging for more.

Kendall flattened his tongue against the underside of James' cock and gave one final, slow lick from base to top before crawling up until their faces were aligned. "Good morning," He told the older male with a cheeky grin.

James shook his head and grinned. "Good morning yourself," He responded, allowing his hands to roam all over the naked body on top of his, finally settling them on Kendall's ass and pulling the blond in even closer, both men letting loose a sigh of contentment at the feeling of their bare bodies pressed tight against each other. They locked eyes and James brought a hand around Kendall's neck, his fingers lightly grasping the longer hairs that grew there, tugging them, using them as leverage to pull Kendall's head down towards his, pressing their lips together softly. James traced Kendall's bottom lip lightly with his tongue, both males enjoying the feeling of each other, relishing every detail, not in the same frantic and needy state as they'd been in the previous night. James finally worked his tongue into Kendall's parted lips, brushing over Kendall's teeth and around his tongue, exploring the other man's mouth, taking his time, attempting to memorize every bump and groove and immortalize the feeling of something he'd waited over half his life to do.

James worked his way off of Kendall's mouth, gently nibbling his earlobe, smiling to himself when he felt Kendall grow even harder against him at the contact as he gave feather light licks to the outer rim of Kendall's left ear. Pulling back slightly, James began leaving a trail of kisses down Kendall's jaw, slowly working his way towards the other's neck, circling Kendall's Adam's apple with his tongue before sucking at a pulse point, stopping just before it left a mark and continuing his downwards journey of Kendall's naked body.

James smirked into Kendall's skin when the younger male let out a soft moan and flipped the blonde over without warning, catching Kendall by surprise when he was suddenly lying on his back with James straddling his hips, the older male bent at the waist, mouth still connected to his collar bone, kissing and sucking at his skin. Slowly and teasingly, James continued his trip south, circling Kendall's left nipple with his tongue before flicking it and gently closing his teeth over the hard nub, massaging it with his mouth. James moved towards Kendall's other side, giving the right side the same treatment as the left and the other man began to whimper with need below him, another moan slipping from his mouth.

James just laughed into Kendall's pale skin, and licked his way down the blonde's chest, pausing to circle his belly button before sucking and kissing the V in Kendall's hips, this time biting hard enough to leave bruises behind, marking Kendall as his own. James took his sweet time making his way towards where Kendall wanted him, slowly driving the man below him crazy with want and need.

James skipped right over the part of Kendall's body that craved attention the most, and placed his mouth underneath Kendall's balls, licking a line up the center before softly sucking each one into his mouth, rolling them around with his tongue, allowing a pleasured sound of his own to slide free at the taste of his lover, the vibrations of his throat against Kendall's balls causing the younger male to join in the sounds of pleasure as he grew increasingly impatient with James' teasingly slow pace. Kendall reached a hand down to fist himself, only for James to reach up and grab both of his hands in his, locking their fingers together and pinning Kendall's hands by his side, snug against the bed.

"Patience, baby," James murmured, mouthing the base of his shaft and continuing upwards until his mouth hovered right above Kendall's throbbing dick which was leaking precum down the side. James snaked his tongue out, catching it just before it dripped down the side and licked his lips as he brought the taste of the other man into his mouth.

James glanced up from his position between Kendall's legs seductively as his tongue once again darted out of his mouth, playing with the head of Kendall's cock for a bit before he inserted the tip into his mouth, sucking it in as his tongue circled around the underside of the head, stopping underneath to trace the sensitive vein line up to Kendall's slit and back again.

"God, James, _please_," Kendall finally whimpered out loud, bucking his hips upwards for emphasis, urging the other man to take him all of the way down and quit teasing already.

"Please what baby?" James asked, a wicked glint in his eye as he sucked another drop of precum off the head of Kendall's dick. "You have to tell me what you want, Kenny," James told him in a voice filled with lust, a sexy and satisfied grin on his face, knowing that once again he held all the power.

"Suck it," Kendall pleaded with another thrust up.

"Like this?" James asked, feigning innocence as he took just the head in again, sucking it like a pacifier, knowing fully well that wasn't what Kendall had meant and only adding to Kendall's frustration when he stopped abruptly and grinned up at the blond with a devilish smirk, refusing to continue until he got the answer he wanted from the younger man.

Kendall attempted to yank his hands free, needing so desperately to relieve some of the pressure, but James held them down with ease. "No, no, no baby," James scolded mildly, enjoying the power he currently held over the hockey star.

"Maybe you meant this?" James asked, taking Kendall's cock halfway down this time, bobbing his head casually, not reaching below the halfway point, causing Kendall to groan in frustration yet again, wishing he had his hands free so he could just shove himself down James' throat until the older male gagged on his length.

"Fuck, Jamie, c'mon! Please!" Kendall begged.

"Tell me what you want, Kenny," James demanded in an impossibly low voice that somehow managed to cause Kendall to grow even stiffer.

"Suck me all the way down! Please, I need to feel your mouth on every part of me," Kendall begged shamelessly, all inhibitions completely forgotten about by this point, Kendall willing to say or do almost anything by now so long as it achieved the desired effect of having himself submerged in the brunet's wet, warm and inviting mouth.

"Oh, you mean like this?" James asked, quickly complying and hollowing his cheeks before he easily took the entire length of the blond in his mouth, not stopping until his nose hit the body below him and a hard cock bumped against the back of his throat.

"_Oh, fuck, yes_", Kendall gave a noise of pleasure beneath James who finally freed Kendall's hands, gripping the other man's thighs tightly with his fingertips, leaving more bruises on Kendall's sensitive skin and slowly pulling himself off of Kendall's shaft with a pop, only to quickly duck his head back down all the way, repeating the actions over and over again, increasing his speed and Kendall's desire with each recurring action.

Kendall wound his hands in James' hair, eyes closed tight and mouth falling open, as he tried to restrain himself from fucking up into James' mouth. James kept up his pace, bringing Kendall right to the edge only to encircle his fingers around the base and pull off. "Not yet," He informed Kendall with a somewhat sadistic grin, waiting until the blond was calmed down only to repeat the process of bringing Kendall right to the brink of cumming only to stop yet again.

James wrapped his hand back around the base of Kendall's cock, forbidding him from reaching release, placing kisses to Kendall's inner thighs. Again, he waited until Kendall was brought back down, and then brought his hand up to the younger man's mouth, tracing his lips with two fingers. "Suck," He told Kendall, leaving no room in his voice for argument. Kendall obeyed, taking James' long fingers into his mouth, wetting them the best he could since he had no doubt in his mind as to where the brunet planned on putting them.

James withdrew his fingers slowly, bringing them back down and lightly traced the outside of Kendall's hole with them, playing with it, pressing the pad of his pointer against Kendall's entrance, but not actually pushing in, driving Kendall crazy with want and need.

James brought his head back down, giving small licks to the space underneath Kendall's balls and then moving farther down, allowing his tongue to lap at Kendall's hole, humming with satisfaction when he heard Kendall's sounds of approval from above. Placing his fingers back down, James worked Kendall open for him, first with his tongue and then replacing that with his fingers, scissoring and pumping them as he licked back up Kendall's shaft, running his tongue around the underside of the head and over the slit before taking the head in his mouth once more and swiveling his face from side to side while his fingers worked themselves deeper and deeper into Kendall.

James slowly took more and more of Kendall into his mouth until he was deep throating him, and then pulled back up and went down again just as fast. He continued his ministrations, fucking Kendall's ass roughly with his fingers while sucking the blond as deep as possible with his mouth until Kendall was close for the third time that night. And just like the first two times, James stopped Kendall right before he hit release. Waiting patiently and then starting up again. He continued this process until Kendall felt like he was going to explode and was seriously considering tying James up and fucking him until he came without the pop star being able to stop him for once.

"James!" Kendall whined, after what felt like the fiftieth time. "I need to cum. Please," He begged.

James rose up on his forearms, signature smirk playing at his lips. "Aw, baby, you wanna cum?" James asked in a rough, husky voice that set Kendall's body even more on fire.

"Yes! Please!" Kendall pleaded, lifting his hips off the mattress for emphasis, silently hinting at the part of his body where he really wanted James and his talented mouth.

Suddenly, James and his mouth were nowhere near where Kendall had been thinking of, and the older man was looming over him, eyes darkened with desire. He leaned down, his hot breath ghosting over Kendall's ear and sending shivers down his spine and whispered, "If you want to cum you have to ride me." And before Kendall could even process what was happening James had flipped them back around, making it so that he was lying on his back and Kendall was once again on top of him, blinking in confusion, unsure as to how he even ended up in this position.

James handed Kendall the bottle of lube that seemed to have appeared out of thin air. Placing a hand on Kendall's chest, gently pushing Kendall up until the blond was sitting up and straddling him, blinking his eyes, not entirely positive what the brunet wanted from him but taking the bottle of lube nonetheless.

James repeated, "Ride my dick, baby. I want to see you sinking down on my cock, taking every inch as deep as you can."

Kendall let out a low, guttural sound, catching on and fumbled with the lube, finally managing to flip the cap open and pour some into his hand. His eyes never left James' as he rubbed the lube around his entrance, teasing his own hole before finally burying one of his own digits in himself and gasping slightly at the intrusion. James groans below him, thoroughly enjoying his private show, and he picked up the abandoned bottle of lube, slicking up his own cock, finally giving it some much needed attention in preparation of what was to come.

The pair just stared at each other for a while, Kendall working himself open and fucking himself with his fingers while James slowly jacked himself off, wanting nothing more than to bury himself as far in Kendall as he possibly could.

"Ready, baby?" James asked.

Kendall nodded, and placed himself above James, lining his ass up with James cock, whimpering when he felt James tease his entrance with the blunt head of his cock.

Kendall reached around his own body, placing his hands on either side and opening himself up for James as he slowly sank down onto the impressive length. Kendall let loose an almost inhuman sound as he felt himself fill up, not stopping until he was fully seated on the pop star, squeezing his eyes tight in a silent grimace and placing his hands on the mattress behind him, arching his back and growing accustomed to the feeling.

James groaned below him, moving his hands to the hockey star's slender hips and gripping tight, somehow managing to hold himself back from fucking up into the blonde's ass, exercising his own patience and waiting for Kendall to move. "So tight," He murmured, biting his bottom lip and hissing in a breath between his clenched teeth.

Kendall tilted his head back, a grimace decorating his face, loving that he was able to bring the pretty boy so much pleasure. He didn't move up, instead merely rotated his hips, swiveling them from side to side, grin growing when he heard James gasp below him.

"Fuck, baby. Need to feel you riding me. C'mon," James was the one reduced to a quivering, pleading mess now and Kendall couldn't help but love the role reversal.

Kendall copied James smirk for smirk and slowly raised himself up and then slid back down harshly. "Like that?" He asked around hum of pleasure.

"Oh fuck. Yeah, baby. Just like that," James reassured him, thrusting up into him, grinning when Kendall gave a slight sound of surprise.

Kendall took the hint though, and began fucking himself on James, raising and lowering his hips rapidly, dropping down to his arms after a few minutes so that the two men's faces were inches apart as Kendall rode James for all he was worth.

James' hands traveled up from Kendall's hips until they were tightly grasping the blonde's biceps, assisting the smaller man in his up and down movements, shoving upwards before yanking back down severely, his breath escaping in harsh undertones right into Kendall's ear, causing Kendall to whimper and fuck against James even faster and harder as he got close to his release.

James could sense the blonde's desperation and he brought his right hand down ad around, encircling Kendall's length at the base in a loose grip, slowly tugging upwards before fisting back down, enjoying the way his simple movements caused Kendall to keen above him, throwing his head back, messy hair falling in his eyes as he grunted that he was close.

"James," Kendall whimpered, knowing he couldn't hold it in much longer.

"Cum for me sweetheart," James urged, hastening his movements and kissing the side of Kendall's mouth as he drove up into the blond hitting his prostate dead on.

"Oh, fuck!" Kendall moaned, dropping his head into the crook of James shoulder as he finally came, spilling into James' hand and all over the brunet's chest. Kendall's momentary loss of control was all it took for James to lose himself as well, roughly fucking up into the hockey star until he came inside of him, feeling his own semen spilling out of the blond and down onto himself.

"Fuck" James panted after a few minutes of silence, slowly withdrawing from Kendall's ass. "You sure you've never done this before?" He asked with a laugh.

"Positive," Kendall wheezed above him, lowering himself off his arms until he was resting on James' chest. "Shit babe so good."

"Mmhm," James agreed, wiping his brow and shoving his sweat soaked hair out of his eyes.

"Next time, I want to cum inside of you," Kendall told James through lidded eyes.

"I don't bottom," James informed Kendall.

"Ever?" Kendall asked, disbelieving, raising himself up until he was staring at his lover.

James gave a confirming nod. "Ever," He clarified.

"I bet I could change your way of thinking," Kendall grinned seductively, grinding down into the pop star and rubbing his cock around James' entrance.

James' response was immediate and he bucked the younger man off of him. "Not happening."

"Oh really?" Kendall smirked, lowering himself until his face was aligned with James' virgin hole. His tongue darted out of his mouth and he gave an experimental lick, chest swelling with pride when James couldn't hold back a groan of approval.

"Not even for me?" He questioned innocently, face still buried in James ass as he sucked one of his fingers into his own mouth. "You don't want to feel my hard cock pounding into you? Claiming you?" He continued, bringing his saliva-soaked digit to James' hole and running it around the outside, raising his eyebrows when James arched his back, unintentionally shoving himself towards the blond.

Kendall suctioned his mouth onto James' thigh and sunk his pointer into James, loving the fact that he was the only one to ever do this to the pretty boy.

"That feel good?" Kendall mumbled against James' skin. James only response was a muffled swear and a buck of his hips.

"Knock it off, Kendall," James mumbled despite the immense amount of pleasure he currently felt.

Kendall shook his head, allowing his tongue to join his finger deep inside James for a few minutes, finally pulling away only to lock eyes with the brunet. "I'll stop when you promise me that I can fuck this tight little hole with my hard cock," He offered up a slightly evil grin and crooked his finger, causing the older male to curse and grab his waist in vice-like grip.

"Fuck, fine, whatever you want," James panted, feeling overly sensitive at this point, being fingered for the first time so shortly after he'd cum.

"Good boy," Kendall praised, withdrawing his finger to a moan of protest and pressing a kiss to James' lips. "Can't wait to be buried inside you," He promised, mind already reeling to the thought of being the first and only person to fuck James Diamond into submission.


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N:Hey, look at that! I didn't abandon this story after all! My muse did for awhile though. But it's back now, so yay! Read and review if you so desire._

* * *

James poured coffee into two separate cups, turning to bring them back upstairs only to find himself face to face with Kendall. "Morning Sleeping Beauty," He grinned, leaning forward and pecking the blonde's lips. "Cream and sugar with a splash of coffee?" He held a cup out for Kendall who took it with a sleepy grin, surprised that James still remembered how he took his coffee.

Before Kendall could respond a shrill noise broke through the house coming from the next room. "I gotta check my phone," James groaned. "Damn thing's been ringing off the hook since I got up. Yours has been too, for the record."

"Probably Logan wondering if I found you," Kendall replied, trailing after the brunet. Kendall found his phone on the floor where James had thrown it early that morning, and he tried to make out the text beneath his broken screen. It had been easier when he'd been at the airport, the screen had still been cracked but not so much that he couldn't see enough to use it. But apparently when James had tossed it aside the night before he'd damaged the screen even more, making it so Kendall couldn't read anything through the cracks now. That reminded him. "Hey, what the hell happened to my phone? It wasn't cracked when you threw me out of your hotel room," He accused.

James laughed sheepishly as his dug his own phone out of his discarded jeans at the bottom of the steps. "I, uh, may have accidentally dropped it. Against the hotel wall," He added with a smirk, undoing his lock screen, shocked to see that he'd apparently missed over thirty calls and had fourteen new text messages, along with a heap of emails. "Christ, did I miss a show or something?" He muttered to himself, bringing up a text from Logan first.

"You owe me a phone," Kendall sulked, glancing up at James who was reading something on his phone with an expression that didn't look particularly thrilled.

"Oh shit."

"What?" Kendall asked warily, setting his coffee cup down and making his way towards the pop star.

"Oh shit," James repeated, tossing his phone to the side, ignoring Kendall's confused looks and quickly striding out of the room towards his office with Kendall quick on his heels still wondering what had the brunet worked up all of the sudden. He got his answer a few moments later when James woke up his laptop, quickly pulling up a website and turning the screen so Kendall could see it over his shoulder.

"Oh shit," Kendall echoed James' sentiments.

James had brought up the front page of an online tabloid and beneath the headline "_Is Hockey's Hottest Star A Player Outside The Rink?"_ was a grainy picture of James and Kendall from the night before, locked in a tight embrace, lips pressed together, heads tilted at just the right angle that it was immediately obvious who both of them were. It was accompanied with a long article and more photos. Very discriminating photos. One of Kendall shoved against a wall with James in front of him, another of them crossing the street towards the Hyatt, James all but dragging Kendall behind him, one of them disappearing into the hotel and then two more small ones near the end, one picture showing Kendall leaving the Hyatt by himself and the other showing James leaving by himself.

Compared to the article though, the pictures were the least of their worries. The article tore Kendall to shreds, letting readers know how he'd been spotted "dry-humping" his old bandmate outside of the arena after the Penguins won the Stanley Cup, reminding them that Kendall had a girlfriend he'd been with since his teens, and of course, outing both men to the world. James' sexuality had been questioned in the tabloids and even in interviews multiple times, James never confirming or denying the accusations, so the revelation that he'd bedded another man wouldn't be any type of huge reveal. But Kendall had worked hard to maintain his straight persona and outside of some of his old teammates from the Wild and some of his new one on the Penguins, no one even so much as suspected Kendall Knight of being gay.

The article went on to crucify not only Kendall for cheating on Jo, but throwing James under the bus as well, the reporter wondering if James would be able to sleep with himself at nights knowing he'd played a part in breaking up a couple that had been together for years, making sure everyone remembered James and Kendall were childhood friends in a band together, pointing out that James knew Jo which only made 'his betrayal of her trust' that much worse. And on and on and on it went.

James muttered a curse under his breath as his phone went off again from the living room. "How much ya wanna bet that's either my manager, my agent or my publicist?" James groaned, shoving away his laptop and uttering a few more swears. His cell phone finally shut up only for his landline to start ringing and James wasn't sure if it was possible but the ringer on his phone sounded angry.

"I gotta take this," He told Kendall. "You can use my cell to call whoever you need to back."

Kendall nodded, escaping to the living room and finding James phone where he'd tossed it on the leather couch.

Dialing Jo's number he brought the phone up to his ear.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me."

"I can't believe you, you two-timing jerk! How long has this been going on? How long have you been gay?"

"It's not funny, Jo!" Kendall said even though he smiled as she pretended to be shocked and hurt.

"It's a little funny," Jo argued. "And hey, at least now you don't have to worry about how the best way to come out of the closet is."

"Have you even read the article? It could ruin mine and James' career! That reporter ripped me a new one and makes me look like the scum of the earth!"

"Kendall, honey, I hate to break it to you, but there isn't just one article or one reporter. The story's everywhere. They were just discussing our love triangle on _The View_ in fact."

"How the fuck did it spread so fast?"

"Oh, gee, I don't know, but it might have had something to do with the fact that you and James practically had sex in the middle of the street."

"You're not helping," Kendall sighed.

"Well, I'm sorry, Kendall, but maybe this is the push you needed. Look, we can set up an interview and come clean. Explain to everyone that our relationship was never real and that you weren't cheating on me. And you and James…oh my God! You and James! What happened? Did you find him last night?"

Kendall laughed at Jo's abrupt change of subject, used to the way she sidetracked and interrupted herself by now. "Yeah, I'm um, kind of in Malibu right now at his house."

"I want details!" Jo demanded.

"Maybe sometime when he isn't in the next room talking to his manager or whoever he's on the phone with. Listen, speaking of managers, I should probably call my agent and coach and try to start sorting this mess out before I get dropped from the Penguins."

"Fine, but I'm holding you to that. And they aren't gonna dump you, relax. Just explain everything, set up some interviews, and don't panic over nothing. Call me later and don't forget to enjoy the fact that you finally got the guy you've been pining over since middle school."

"I never pined," Kendall protested.

"You pined. Bye!" She trilled, just a little too happily if you asked Kendall.

"Later," Kendall grumbled, pressing the end call button and then calling his own number immediately after, beeping into his voicemail. Sixteen voicemails…that was never a good sign. Logan, Logan, his agent, his coach, Carlos, his agent, Logan, his mom, his sister, his coach, his agent, Sid, his sister, Carlos, his agent and one last one that was Camille calling for Logan who was in surgery. They all pretty much had the same gist. What happened, what's going on, call me back immediately.

Kendall sighed, unsure of who to call back first and not really looking forward to any of the conversations. With another, slightly exaggerated sigh, he finally dialed his agent's number, praying he didn't pick up.

* * *

"Then they can fucking drop me if that's what they want. Fuck the label, they're all a bunch of controlling assholes anyway and I'm fed the fuck up of always having to bow before them and ask how high when they tell me to fuckin' jump," James stated not bothering to hold anything back as he spun in a lazy circle in his desk chair, talking to his agent.

"That's a great attitude, James. But you're forgetting one thing, they own the rights to all of your songs. If they drop you and break the contract, you have no material left."

"I have plenty of fucking material, just not the pop shit you all want to fuckin' hear from me."

"Okay could we please try to get through one sentence without you saying fuck twelve times?"

"I fucking doubt it but we can fucking try if you really fucking want to."

"All right James, I'm confused are we taking this seriously or not?"

James sighed, sensing the irritation in his agent's voice. "I don't know. I don't know what Kendall's plan is. I don't know what he's thinking or feeling and I don't even know if there's anything to go public with."

"Well, you may want to figure that out, seeing as you've already gone public. Talk with him. Talk with your manager and your publicist. And then call me back. Okay?"

"Yeah," James sulked, jabbing the button to hang the phone up. A knock sounded at the door to his office. "S'open," He hollered back.

Kendall poked his head in, giving James a sheepish grin.

"So," He said.

"Yeah. So," James repeated, waving the blond all the way in. "Where do we go from here, Kenny?"

Kendall hesitated, playing with a loose thread hanging off the t-shirt he borrowed from James and then bringing a hand up to work at the back of his neck. He finally shrugged. "I dunno."

James studied him, suddenly wondering if their night together had meant more to him then it had to Kendall. Afraid the other man wanted to sweep it under the rug, lie to the press and the fans about what had happened and pretend they'd never done what they both knew they'd done together. With a slightly overdramatic sigh James raised his eyes, looking at Kendall. "It's up to you how we play this. Where it goes from here," He offered up a shrug of his own, pretending like his heart wasn't on the line.

"Then I say we set up some interviews. Explain that Jo and I were always a ruse and that you and I are sorta kinda maybe in love."

James felt his face relax into smile, reassured by Kendall's response. "Yeah?"

"Definitely."

"Your career-" James began.

"Will be fine. The Penguins had heard the rumor mill swirling about my sexuality before they accepted the trade, and they took it anyway. I'm sure my integrity means a lot more than my sexuality to them at this point."

"They knew you were gay?"

"Not for sure. But I had a couple bad nights when I started with the Wild. Drank too much. Hit on some very straight and very homophobic team mates. That's why I was traded in the first place," Kendall admitted, leveling his gaze with James. "I'm done lying about who I am. I'm tired of it. Aren't you?"

"I never lied. I just avoided the subject," James pointed out with a wry grin.

"Well then, aren't you sick of avoiding the truth?" Kendall rephrased his question with a slight shake of his head and a small smile.

"Definitely," James echoed, standing up and pulling the blond into his arms. "Definitely," He repeated softly, tightening his grasp.

* * *

Between James, Kendall and Jo and all of their various manager, agents and publicists, it only took a total of two hours to set up an interview for the next day on one of the most viewed national morning shows in America. So far, they'd spent their first full day together as a couple doing nothing but fielding phone calls, listening to voicemails, responding to e-mails, and in Kendall's case, coming out to his mother and sister.

Which in hindsight had been pointless, because his mom's response was something along the lines of "I've known since you were in middle school", and Katie's response was "That's not news, big brother."

By the time sunset rolled around, James was fed up with talking with everyone under the sun except the one person he actually wanted to be talking to, so he unplugged his home phone, turned off his laptop, turned off his cell phone and grabbed the blonde's hand, leading him outside and leaving all technology inside.

Which is how they found themselves strolling along the beach as the sun set on the horizon and the tide rolled in splashing at their bare feet and soaking the hems of Kendall's jeans. The pair walked in an easy silence for a while, simply enjoying being with the other, and Kendall drinking in the scenery and sounds and smells that surrounded them. This was the first time he'd been to the beach since the band had broken up. The only times he'd even returned to California had been when they had away games against the Sharks, Ducks or Kings. It hadn't dawned on Kendall until this exact moment how much he'd missed California. The smell of the saltwater brought a flood of memories back from times spent on the beach with the guys. Kendall could remember how he used to just sit on a blanket next to Jo, secretly watching James while he surfed, and glaring at Jo every time she smirked at him when she caught him admiring the brunet. He remembered reluctantly allowing James to teach him to surf to absolutely no avail. James claimed Kendall just sucked and would never be able to surf and Kendall claimed James was just a horrible instructor.

James noticed the faraway look in Kendall's gaze as he stared off at the ocean and he gently squeezed his hand which was clasped in his own. "Remember when I tried to teach you how to surf?" James asked, his thoughts mirroring Kendall's own.

"Yeah. I shoulda just hired an actual instructor, than maybe I could have learned."

"You could hire the world's greatest surf instructor and you'd be a hopeless case. Face it, Knight, that's the one thing in your life you didn't excel at."

"I could have if you weren't a horrible teacher," Kendall teased back with a smug grin.

James gave a light laugh and shook his head, his smile slowly fading and being replaced with a more serious look.

"What's up?" Kendall asked noticing the change in the atmosphere and in James' mood.

James stopped walking and Kendall stalled next to him, the brunet sitting down in the sand and pulling Kendall down with him. He in the sand, legs bent and elbows resting on his knees, pulling Kendall in between them and allowing his hands to slip down and embrace the blond. James rested his chin on Kendall's shoulder so he was speaking quietly right into the his ear. "If we go through with this tomorrow, if we come out together on national television, you know it's going to change everything, right? Have you really thought about this Kendall? Are you sure this is what you want to do? Because I don't want you doing something you're going to regret just to please me."

"I've already told you I'm sure about this, Jamie. You keep pressing the issue, you're not having doubts are you?"

Kendall could feel James shake his head. "No. I'm one hundred percent positive. But I'm also not the one who's spent the past, what? Eleven, twelve years? Pretending to date the same girl because I was too afraid to come out."

"I'm sorry I must have missed the part where you officially came out to the world," Kendall replied in a harsh tone, feeling as if James was judging his choices, and also thinking that James was being a tad hypocritical.

"Kendall, I'm not trying to start a fight, and I'm not insulting your decisions. You're right, I never 'officially' came out, but we both know no one's going to even bat an eyelash about me being bisexual. You're a whole other story. This is going to affect you're public image a lot more than mine and I refuse to be the person who gets in the way of your dreams," James explained gently, choosing his words carefully, not wanting to offend Kendall a second time.

Kendall scooted out from between James' legs, turning around so he was facing him and grabbing both of the pop star's hands in his own. "_This_ is my dream, James. You and me. Together. And winning the Stanley Cup, but I knocked that off my list already in case you forgot," He joked. "What's going on in that head of yours? Why are you so concerned that I'm going to regret this decision?"

James sighed, rubbing the pads of his thumbs in small circles on the palms of Kendall's hands and dragging his gaze up so he locked eyes with the other man. "Because you're thinking short term. I'm thinking long term here, Kenny. Maybe you won't regret this two weeks from now and you'll be fine with whatever repercussions come your way professionally. But down the road? When it's years from now and you're still "That Gay Hockey Player" and you're still getting shit from the other athletes, an impossible trade because no one wants the gay guy in the locker room with their team. Then you'll look back to this day and regret coming out because none of those problems would exist for you if you'd just continued on how you have been so far. And it won't be long after that before you begin to resent me because it'll be my fault you came out in the first place. I'm a fucking pop star for Christ sake, I'm practically expected to swing both ways, this will barely even be a blip on the radar for me professionally. But it could haunt your career the rest of your life."

"I'm not going to end up resenting you, James. No matter what happens in the future, this is what I want, this is my decision. I'd rather take whatever repercussions may come my way on the ice than to continue living a lie for another deacde and holding both myself and Jo, not to mention you, from ever being truly happy. Just trust me on this, please? This is what I want. _You're_ what I want. You're forever, Jamie. Hockey's not." He leaned forward, pressing a kiss to James' lips. "Okay?"

James offered up one of his signature grins and copied Kendall's move, leaning forward and pressing their lips together once more. "Okay," He agreed.

* * *

"I'm nervous. Are you nervous?" Kendall whispered his question to James as the pair sat backstage waiting to go on the talk show.

James shook his head, pulling Kendall in closer to him with his arm that rested on the hockey player's shoulder. "We have nothing to be nervous about."

"Damn straight you don't," Jo chimed in, taking a seat across from the pair.

"Way to show up ultra-late!" Kendall accused, glaring at Jo.

"I could always leave and play the part of the heartbroken and devastated girlfriend," She threatened back teasingly.

"Thank you, that's extremely helpful," James muttered shooting Jo a warning look.

She held up her hands in fake surrender. "Kidding," She promised. "Look, Kendall, you have nothing to be nervous about."

"How are you not nervous?" He sulked.

"Because I'm relieved. I'm sick of lying and hiding who I am and it will be a weight off my shoulders to get the truth out there."

James nudged Kendall's shoulder with his own. "That's pretty much exactly what you said yesterday," He reminded him.

"Quit ganging up on me," Kendall muttered.

"Guys?" A nerdy man with a headset who looked like he still belonged in high school poked his head into the room. "We're ready for you."

"C'mon," James stood up, offering a hand to Kendall who took it, allowing the brunet to pull him to his feet and following James and Jo out to the stage, where he took a seat in the middle of the couch, James to his right, Jo to his left, and the host of the show seated in a chair next to James.

He could practically feel the hate from the crowd rolling in like a wave and for the tenth time that morning he questioned their decision to do this on a live morning talk show that aired on every station in the country.

He'd been so positive of this yesterday, spent his time reassuring James that this was what he wanted and it _was_, it really was. So why was he having these little nagging doubts popping into his head now? Why did he have the urge to bolt off the stage? Why was he suddenly terrified to come out and admit who he really was?

"So," The host began when they were live, glancing at the three of them. "I think we should just get right down to business since we all know why we're here. It seems some photos surfaced yesterday that are causing quite the scandal."

The host was way too cheery for Kendall's liking and he couldn't help but flinch inwardly when a huge, blown up photo of him and James embraced in a lip lock appeared on the screen behind them. He didn't hear what anyone said next, his heartbeat was pounding way too loudly in his ears and he wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans trying to concentrate. Glancing next to him at James who was giving him an encouraging smile and the on the other side where Jo had the same damn look on her face, Kendall wasn't really sure what possessed him to say what he said next.

The plan had been for Jo to speak first, and admit that she and Kendall had been pretending for the past eleven years, and for her to admit she was a lesbian. Then Kendall and James would come out together once the audience realized no one had cheated on anyone and broken anyone's heart. They figured the audience and their fans would be more receptive to them not only being gay but coming out as a couple when they understood Jo wasn't the heartbroken, fragile thing the tabloids had made her out to be.

But before Jo had a chance to say anything Kendall blurted out, "Those pictures are fake. They aren't real. Just someone with some very talented Photoshop skills."


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N: I'm on a roll! And I may have blatantly stole the idea for one of James' inner monologues and thought processes from **RockChickWrites**' review. It gave me a bit of inspiration and I ran with it for that section, so, uh, sorry I didn't ask first, and thanks? (Insert sweet and innocent smile here.) As always, please read and review, it makes me happy! And sorry I haven't had time to respond to the reviews from last chapter yet, but I was busy writing the next chapter instead, hope that's okay. _

* * *

Kendall resisted the overwhelming urge to cover his mouth with his hand and exclaim how untrue his previous statement was. He had no idea what had come over him and why he had lied, but now that it was out there for literally the entire world to see, he was almost disappointed with himself in how little he actually wanted to take the words back. Glancing next to him at the shocked and hurt look on James' face he certainly felt bad, and his conscience was no more appeased by the surprised and somewhat angry look that haunted Jo's face on his other side, but yet he still had no interest in retracting his statement and telling the truth.

He was confused by his actions since it hadn't even been twenty-four hours since he'd reassured James that he wanted to go public, but his mind was being quite contradictive, congratulating him on his quick thinking and yet at the same time berating him for it. He told himself that he was doing what needed to be done to save face and to save his future with the Penguins and his hockey career. He also refused to make eye contact with the brunet next to him.

The host gave an uneasy laugh. "Not quite the big reveal we were expecting, huh?" She addressed the crowd while simultaneously shooting daggers at Kendall through her eyes, since she'd been told the real deal in advance and was now thrown off base almost as much as James and Jo were.

"So, James, is this true? Are these photos fake?"

James wrenched his stare from Kendall and gave the host a forced, tight lipped smile. "Obviously this whole damn situation is fake," He muttered between gritted teeth, standing up swiftly and yanking the headset that was attached to his shirt off, throwing it on the couch next to Kendall. When he spoke next his words were directed solely at Kendall. "Definitely a damned ruse." And with that, James turned and stalked off stage, not caring that he was leaving in the middle of a live recording, and not concerned about leaving Kendall and Jo to fend for themselves.

Jo chose that moment to speak up. "The photos aren't fake or photoshopped," She announced, to Kendall's dismay. "Apparently someone is just too chicken too admit that he's gay." She threw Kendall under the bus with a harsh glance in his direction. "And while we're on the subject, so am I. And we both have been since our teens. We were never really a couple." Jo glared at Kendall, then turned her gaze to the host. "So there's your damn story. Kendall and I have been pretending since the beginning. Because we're both gay. But only one of us has the balls to admit it out loud. The other one would seemingly prefer to continue lying. No matter who he hurts and what he destroys in the process," Jo hissed directly at Kendall, following in James' footsteps and jerking her own headset off, tossing it on Kendall's other side before leaving the stage.

Kendall was left sitting in the middle of a couch, with an abandoned headset to his left and one to his right, an angry audience staring at him and waiting for a response and a host giving him a look that clearly stated 'don't you dare think about walking off this stage.'

* * *

James walked at a brisk pace, hurrying past all the technical geeks and other studio employees who were trying to get him to stop and go back on the show, not slowing down until he was out the doors and walking down the street, a safe distance away from the studio and from Kendall. He ducked inside the first bar he saw, sliding onto a stool and ordering a beer with his head bowed down to avoid recognition.

He gave a grunt of thanks when a bottle was set in front of him, grabbing it and raising it to his lips, drinking half the bottle in one long gulp, heart still pounding from humiliation and stomach twisted with betrayal and an agonizing hurt.

He just couldn't wrap his head around it. He'd given Kendall the out just last night, left the decision up to him. It wasn't so much that Kendall denied his feeling in front of the nation, it was more the fact that he'd told James that was the exact opposite of what he'd wanted to do. He'd waited until they were on live television with half the world watching to decide he didn't want to come out. He'd made James believe they were going on for one reason and then the second the cameras were rolling he'd thrown James for a loop, his thoughts and feelings be damned. Jo's thoughts and feeling be damned. All Kendall had cared about in that moment had been himself. He didn't even stop to think about how his words would affect the two people sitting next to him. He obviously didn't care, he'd made that painfully clear. James had been an idiot to ever believe Kendall's bullshit and to think otherwise.

He couldn't help but wonder what had happened to the Kendall who had grabbed him by the shoulders before the biggest audition of his life and told him "Opportunities like this come once in a lifetime." Because they'd had their opportunity. And Kendall had thrown it away because he'd been too scared to grab on, too ashamed to admit to the world that he was in love with another man. And that's what hurt James the most. That Kendall was ashamed to be in love with him. That Kendall would rather continue lying about who he was than to come clean. When it all came down to it, James couldn't help but feel that Kendall was ashamed of _him_. Because of who he was, because of what he did. Hell, what self-respecting, Stanley Cup-winning hockey star wanted to be linked to some playboy pop star who sang about nothing of importance and who coincidentally was also another man?

James felt his phone buzz against his thigh from within his pocket, announcing an incoming call, but he ignored it, and instead drained his beer and signaled to the bartender to bring him another cold one, letting out a heavy sigh and resting his forehead on the sticky bar in front of him, shoulders slumped and heart heavy.

* * *

Jo left Kendall in the dust, wondering if he even understood what he'd just done and the consequences of his actions. If he realized somewhere in the back of that thick skull of his that he'd probably just fucked up what would have been the best thing in his life. Not everyone got the chance for true love, and Kendall had had it within his grasp, but instead of reaching out and taking it, he'd swatted it away like an annoying fly. Not only lying to himself and his fans in the process but also breaking the heart of the one person who could have made him truly happy.

Shoving open the heavy glass doors of the studio that led to the streets outside, Jo squinted against the bright sunlight and pulled out her cell phone, scrolling through until she found the number Kendall had called her from yesterday. She stopped after half a block, leaning against a brick building and impatiently tapping her foot, silently urging James to pick up his cell, which, unsurprisingly, he didn't do. It kicked into voice mail after an annoying amount of rings, and Jo jabbed the button to hang up her phone, then immediately re-dialed, letting out a rare curse when James still didn't answer.

"James its Jo. Please call me back as soon as you get this," She left a clipped message, not bothering to include her number since she knew it would show up on his missed calls list. Sighing, she scrolled up in her contacts list until she reached the C's, pressing the call button when she found the contact she'd been searching for.

"Oh my fuckin' word!" Camille answered her phone, ignoring all pleasantries.

"I take it you were watching the show?"

"Obviously," Camille agreed. "What the fuck is wrong with Kendall? How is James? What are you guys gonna do?" Camille fired rapid questions at Jo, not waiting for answers in between.

"Kendall is an idiot. And apparently a scared little boy," Jo scoffed back. "I can't get James to pick up his phone, he ran out of the studio before I could catch him. I don't know what 'we' are going to do, but I know what _I'm_ going to do. I'm going to enjoy not hiding who I am for the first time. Kendall is on his own after that stunt. We had a plan! One that didn't include lying on national television! Did you keep watching after I walked off stage?" She asked somewhat reluctantly.

"Yeah," Camille admitted. "Kendall stuttered and made excuses for a bit, then they went to commercial. When they came back there was no mention of anything. The show was on a new segment and Kendall was nowhere in sight."

"I hope the station sues him," Jo muttered angrily.

Camille gave a disbelieving laugh. "I'm sorry, Jo, but you didn't see it from the other side. That was some damn dramatic live television. Their ratings probably just went through the roof, and they have Kendall and his lies to thank for that. If anything he's probably receiving pats on the back and congratulations right now."

"He deserves a punch in the face not a pat on the back," Jo retorted.

"I'm not arguing that. Just stating facts," Camille said lightly. Then in a muffled voice, "You got a hold of him?"

"What's going on?" Jo asked

"Logan called James about twenty times in a row, I think he finally got him to pick up. I'll call you back as soon as I knows more, okay?"

"Okay. Thanks Camille."

"Yup. Bye!"

* * *

After five beers and almost fifteen solid minutes of his phone buzzing irritably against his thigh, James finally pulled it free, glancing at the caller ID long enough to see it was Logan before accepting the call. "What?" He asked bitterly into the phone.

"James! Hey man! What's up? How've you been?" Logan stuttered into the phone, thrown off by the fact that James had actually answered, since after seventeen ignored calls he hadn't exactly expected that.

"Don't bullshit with me, Loges. What do you want?"

"Fine, I was watching the show. Saw what Kendall did. Just wanted to make sure…" Logan trailed off. James never admitted defeat, and hadn't since they were kids. He never spoke up when was something was wrong or bothering him, never confronted anyone when he was hurt and upset or angry. He preferred to keep it all bottled up inside. Logan knew realistically that bottle would eventually overflow and exploded over anyone and everyone within range, but so far he'd never seen it. And he was in no such hurry to do so this morning, not when he was expected to scrub in for surgery in less than two hours.

"I'm fine," James gritted out with a scowl that Logan couldn't see but could certainly hear even through the weak phone connection.

"Ok," Logan agreed quietly, knowing his old friend was anything but fine, yet also aware that the pop star would never let on how exactly far from perfect things truly were In his life. "Just wanted to check in," He added mildly. "I'm always just a phone call away if you need anything. Carlos, too," Logan reminded him softly.

"I know," James relented, albeit somewhat unwittingly. "And I appreciate that. I honestly do. But really and truly, I'm fine. Now go save lives or whatever it is you do and tell 'Los to do the same. The pair of you can quit blowing up my phone now."

"Ok," Logan repeated in a defeated voice. "Take care, James." Logan knew there was a good possibility it could be another few months before he spoke with the busy pop star again. James would ignore any calls, texts or emails sent his way, until he eventually gave in and sent off a quick 'hey, how are you, I'm doing awesome, hope all is well' response that always came across as generic, probably because it was. He wouldn't reach out, wouldn't ask for help, and wouldn't confide in either of his childhood friends, no matter how much he way dying on the inside. Logan didn't know where exactly they'd made the wrong turn in their friendship, but he always suspected it had something to do with the brunet's unavoidable and poorly hidden love for their best friend and leader. The only one who'd ever been fooled and turned a blind, unknowing and unaware eye to James' true feelings for the blond was none other than the recipient of them, Kendall Knight himself.

Truth be told, it tore him and Carlos both apart inside when James had continued on his determined path to superstardom without a backwards glace, rarely bothering to check in with the people who used to be like family. Since Big Time Rush had broken up, try as they might, Logan and Carlos had never managed to preserve that closeness and sense of brotherhood they'd once held with James. He may not have hid who he was like Kendall had, but he didn't hesitate to shut himself off from his closest friends; cutting off practically all ties with them since their final and bittersweet farewell concert. Rarely bothering to acknowledge the fact that without his three childhood friends his dream of being a famous musician would have remained jut that; a dream. It wasn't that James was ignorant to or even ungrateful for his friend's sacrifices, far from it in fact. He knew just how much they'd given up and put off their own aspirations just on the off chance of helping him to achieve his own. It was just that he'd found it too difficult for his emotional health to maintain the friendships and brotherhood the four then-teenagers had shared. Every conversation with Carlos and Logan had only reminded James of the one thing he truly wanted and thought could never be his. Kendall and his love.

James hadn't necessarily changed who he was as a person since then, unless you counted the endless string of men and women that were on a seemingly endless and constant rotation in and out of his bed on a daily basis, it was more so that James had shut himself off from anyone and everything that could possibly cause him to have develop real feeling for another person or even maintain any real friendships. Whether he would ever come clean about it or not, James was just as terrified as Kendall. Only instead of being afraid of who he really was, James was afraid of ever letting himself feel again, scared to death of opening up to another human being and being vulnerable. Refusing to acknowledge that he wasn't the man-whore the tabloids and his bedroom life made him seem to be. He was also just a scared little boy, looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong ways and place. James found it far simpler to stick his dick in something and then kick that something out of his bed an hour later than to ever tell a certain blond that he was the only one he truly wanted in his bed. James' biggest downfall in both Logan and Carlos' eyes was his fear of rejection, his unwillingness to open up and allow himself a chance at happiness because he was too afraid of being shunned.

And Kendall denying their relationship and obvious love for one another on live television did nothing more than justify James' unspoken fears. Whatever steps James may have taken forward in the past couple days, Kendall had, without even meaning to and with no malicious content, managed to allow one measly little lie, one stupid, stupid mistake to shove the brunet twenty steps backwards.

Logan's fear now was that this was a situation that could be redeemed, it wouldn't be able to be fixed with an admission of wrongdoing and an apology, no matter how heartfelt and truthful it may be, if it ever even came to exist. Logan had his reservations that Kendall would ever get near to James again after his cowardly and dick-headed performance on the show that morning.

Since they were teenagers all Logan had wanted for two of his best friends was for James to finally rid himself of his damn ego and Kendall to finally suck up his damn pride and for them to just come clean and admit that they cared about each other as way more than friends. But after this morning, Logan highly doubted any of that would be possible now. James' damn ego and Kendall's damn pride always had, and apparently always would, stand in the way of them finding true happiness and love together. And as much as it bothered the raven haired neurosurgeon, there wasn't a damn thing he could do to fix it. It was solely in their hands now. Which pretty much meant they both were fucked beyond belief.

"You too," James responded in a clipped voice, cutting the call short and hanging up before turning off his phone entirely, damned whoever was trying to get in touch with him. With a weary groan and a quick dejected exhale, James motioned at the bartender yet again. Getting completely wasted and drowning his sorrows had never sounded like a better idea, and he was already well on his way.

* * *

Voicemail. Again. Kendall wasn't really sure why he was surprised. If the roles had been reversed, he'd be furious and hurt as well. But still, James had said he'd understand if Kendall didn't want to come out just yesterday. So he shouldn't be mad. Not really. _Keep lying to yourself_, he thought.

The phone that he'd bought yesterday to replace the one James broke rang in his hand, but a quick glance at the screen deflated his hopes.

"Hello?" He answered darkly, knowing he was in for a reaming.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Logan exploded in his ear. "Are you fucking stupid?"

"I panicked," Kendall explained lamely, accompanying it with a shrug that his friend couldn't see.

"You're an idiot."

"Wow, don't hold anything in Logan, tell me how you really feel," He muttered sarcastically, not really in the mood for one of Logan's speeches. He just wanted to talk to James and try to explain himself and make things right. Not that he was positive that was even possible, but he had to try. Otherwise he was going to lose James before he ever really got him.

"Kendall-"

Said blond cut his friend off. "I know, Logan. Okay? I know. I'm going to try and make this right, I promise."

Logan was quiet for a minute before responding in a quiet voice. "I'm not so sure you're going to be able to fix this, buddy," His tone was kinder now, but it still held a trace of disappointment. Disappointment that was directed at Kendall and his actions. And that was unfamiliar territory to Kendall. He never let people down. He was always good for his word. From his mother to his friends to his teammates, he'd never been in the habit of giving others a reason to not trust him fully.

That was when he started to realize how badly he may have fucked up. Swallowing thickly, Kendall sheepishly asked, "Have you talked to him? Do you happen to know where he is?"

"I talked with him for about two minutes. I don't know where he is, but I do know he's pissed and hurt and acting like he isn't, since that's what he does." Kendall could hear the frustration in Logan's voice and he sympathized with him. James wasn't really the type to open up. He'd know the brunet almost his whole life and they'd lived together in LA for years, and yet half the time he still felt like he didn't really know James.

"I gotta try and find him. If there's even a slim chance of getting him to forgive me and letting me fix this I have to try."

"I know. Good luck."

"Yeah," Kendall murmured, discouraged by the doubt laced in Logan's words. Putting his phone in his pocket, Kendall stood on the street, looking left and right trying to figure out where James would have headed. But it'd been years since they'd seen each other before this week, so he had no clue where he hung out now. The best he could hope for was to head back to his beach house and camp outside it until the pop star showed up. He'd have to return home eventually, right?

His phone gave another ring and he peeked at it uncertainly. Of course it wasn't James. It was his coach though. Shit. He hadn't even thought before about how bad this looked now since Jo ousted him and told everyone in America he'd lied. His phone quieted briefly, only to light up again a few seconds later, and it kept up the routine his entire walk towards the parking garage where his rental was. His coach, Sid, his agent, Carlos, his mom, Katie. It was practically a repeat of yesterday with his phone ringing off the hook with people looking for answers that he just didn't have at this point in time.

He finally copied James, turning his phone off completely as he climbed in his car and started it up, turning out of the garage in the direction of James' house, hoping he decided to go home at some point that day.

* * *

A couple hours and an unknown amount of beers and shots later, James stumbled out of the bar he'd been in, squinting against the bright sun that was a stark contrast to the dingy, dark bar he'd spent the past few hours drowning his sorrows in. James didn't drink to the point of getting drunk often, but when he did he drank with a purpose. And he'd definitely had a purpose today. To completely forget about that stupid green-eyed blond. But apparently his plan failed, because that's all he thought about as he staggered towards the parking garage, glad he and Kendall had driven separately that morning.

Digging his keys out of his pocket he hit the beeper, unlocking his sports car and sinking down into the bucket seat behind the wheel. He briefly wondered if he should be driving, but he told himself he wasn't really that impaired and that he could drive just fine.

He backed out his spot, slowly heading out of the garage, stopping to pay and then haltingly pulling out into the busy downtown traffic. He was still a good twenty to thirty minutes from his house when he began to realize that he might be drunker than he'd originally thought and driving himself home might not have been the brightest of his ideas. He made a quick decision and took a sudden left, swerving his car back into his own lane, figuring it would be best to take the back roads home where he had less of a chance of passing other cars and especially police.

Gripping the steering wheel tightly enough to turn his knuckles white, he used the control on the front of it to turn the music in his car off so he could concentrate on the road without any distractions.

He was only about five minutes from his house when he turned into a familiar and yet dangerous turn on the winding back road. And maybe he'd been going too fast, or maybe he'd been thinking too hard about making sure he didn't think about Kendall, or maybe he nodded off for a split second. Looking back he wasn't really sure what happened. All he knew was one second he was going around the bend and the next second he heard the screech of his own tires as he lost control, causing his car to careen off the road, managing to flip over the guard rail and skid down the gradual slope on the low roof.

The first thought he had as his car flipped over the safety rail that failed to do its job was about some stupid statistic he'd once heard about how the majority of car accident happened within five to ten miles of a person's home. Something about being more familiar and comfortable on the roads and paying less attention while driving them because of that. The last thought in James' head before everything went black was, "I probably should have worn my seat belt before driving drunk."


End file.
